Contact Maverick Mom F.A.Q. About Maverick Mom Home Media Room Tribe
«
»

10 Practical Steps For Making Change Stick [Day 17 - 30 Days to Changing Your Game]

This is Day 17 of 30 Days to Changing Your Game. We are in the backstretch now, so everyone hang in there! Yesterday John Haydon helped us see that our passion could intersect with a marketing niche and actually become a business – w00t! Today, my very no-nonsense and super marketing savvy friend Jeffrey Summers gives us what we need to make our change of game actually stick.

10 Practical Steps For Making Change Stick

by Jeffrey Summers (@JeffreySummers)

Change is simple. It’s just not easy. So I have listed here the most critical items you need to address to make sure your change effort will succeed.

1. Decide on the most practical and realistic change(s) that can have the greatest impact in your personal or professional life – right now. These must be personal choices, not chosen for you or influenced by others.

2. Align them with your core values for real impact. The closer you align your change goals with core values and principles the higher degree of commitment you will achieve.

3. Focus on just 2 or 3 goals – not 26. Keep it simple.

4. Map your process. How will the process look on paper and define the desired result(s). What will success look like? Feel like? What will this change accomplish? Allow you to do?

5. Break each goal down into bite sized pieces (daily tasks) and attach a time factor for each contributing action. Daily – weekly – monthly.

6. Tasks need to be prioritized to achieve each aspect of the goal.

7. Reward yourself appropriately for accomplishing each step to reinforce the behavior so that you fulfill the immediate gratification demanded for any effort. Scale the rewards so that they fit the level of accomplishment.

8. Engage a “change coach” to provide support and feedback. This MUST be someone who has successfully gone through the process.

9. Review efforts with change coach daily/weekly to refocus behaviors and tasks and to ensure accountability.

10. Celebrate your achievement. Once you accomplish your goals. Help coach someone else who needs to do what you just did, to reinforce the change in you and to pay it forward.

Key Points

Change is about improvement. You can’t begin with the idea that you are broken and need fixing.

  • Remember that real change is about core behaviors. You don’t have a personal life and a professional life – there is just life. Compartmentalizing your behaviors for the sake of validating existing excuses is not acceptable and always leads to failure.
  • Measurement is critical to understanding how well you are doing, can do and will do in the future.
  • Finding a process that fits your style and attitude that can be replecatable for other areas of your life is invaluable.
  • Surround yourself with supporters of the change effort and eliminate contact with negative influences. You literally need to take an “either you’re with me or against me” attitude.
  • Keep a diary of your efforts so that you can document your story for future inspiration and support.
  • Don’t waste time on things that have no impact or utility for your current change process.
  • Make it fun. If the process isn’t enjoyable, the likelihood for 100% engagement and success is circumspect.
  • It’s not about achieving perfection – it’s about achieving success.
  • Be ready to engage all the necessary resources to accomplish your change goals. If you are not prepared to invest whatever resources are necessary to achieve your  goals, you will not succeed.
  • Remember that you are not alone. Someone, somewhere, has gone through and is going through the same change(s) you are currently undertaking. If you can join a community for support – or even start one – this would be ideal.
  • Don’t compare yourself or your results to others. This is about you and you alone.

IMG 7069 22 150x150 10 Practical Steps For Making Change Stick [Day 17 30 Days to Changing Your Game]Jeffrey Summers is the president and founder of RestaurantWorx™, a full-service, global, Hospitality Coaching and consulting firm based in Fort Worth, Texas. Besides helping clients achieve success by working with them one-on-one, Jeffrey frequently speaks at and attends numerous industry events and local, state and national small business groups in order to share his passion for the business of food and hospitality.

You can find out more about Jeffrey and his work at his company’s website: http://RestaurantWorx.com

If you don’t want to miss out on the 30 Days to Changing Your Game, please sign up here.

Popularity: 27% [?]

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • StumbleUpon
  • Twitter

No related posts.

Digg This Save to del.icio.us Share on Facebook Tweet This Stumble This

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 27th, 2010 at 9:45 am and is filed under 30 Days to Changing Your Game. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  • SpiritusShelagh
    Number 10 - Once you accomplish your goals. Help coach someone else who needs to do what you just did....

    and sometimes I see this transmute into "Tell someone else how to accomplish the goals you haven't accomplished in your own life" - ouch.....
  • It's not a transmutation at all. It's simply someone who lacks the will and character to make changes for themselves and seeks to fill that void by telling others how to live.
  • Let's review the characteristics of what S.M.A.R.T. goals are.

    Specific - A specific goal has a much greater chance of being accomplished than a general goal. To set a specific goal you must answer the six "W" questions:

    *Who: Who is involved?
    *What: What do I want to accomplish?
    *Where: Identify a location.
    *When: Establish a time frame.
    *Which: Identify requirements and constraints.
    *Why: Specific reasons, purpose or benefits of accomplishing the goal.

    EXAMPLE: A general goal would be, "Get in shape." But a specific goal would say, "Join a health club and workout 3 days a week."

    Measurable - Establish concrete criteria for measuring progress toward the attainment of each goal you set. When you measure your progress, you stay on track, reach your target dates, and experience the exhilaration of achievement that spurs you on to continued effort required to reach your goal.

    To determine if your goal is measurable, ask questions such as......How much? How many? How will I know when it is accomplished?

    Attainable - When you identify goals that are most important to you, you begin to figure out ways you can make them come true. You develop the attitudes, abilities, skills, and financial capacity to reach them. You begin seeing previously overlooked opportunities to bring yourself closer to the achievement of your goals.

    You can attain most any goal you set when you plan your steps wisely and establish a time frame that allows you to carry out those steps. Goals that may have seemed far away and out of reach eventually move closer and become attainable, not because your goals shrink, but because you grow and expand to match them. When you list your goals you build your self-image. You see yourself as worthy of these goals, and develop the traits and personality that allow you to possess them.

    Realistic - To be realistic, a goal must represent an objective toward which you are both willing and able to work. A goal can be both high and realistic; you are the only one who can decide just how high your goal should be. But be sure that every goal represents substantial progress. A high goal is frequently easier to reach than a low one because a low goal exerts low motivational force. Some of the hardest jobs you ever accomplished actually seem easy, simply because they were a labor of love.

    Your goal is probably realistic if you truly believe that it can be accomplished. Additional ways to know if your goal is realistic is to determine if you have accomplished anything similar in the past or ask yourself what conditions would have to exist to accomplish this goal.

    Timely - A goal should be grounded within a time frame. With no time frame tied to it there's no sense of urgency. If you want to lose 10 lbs, when do you want to lose it by? "Someday" won't work. But if you anchor it within a timeframe, "by May 1st", then you've set your unconscious mind into motion to begin working on the goal.

    T can also stand for Tangible - A goal is tangible when you can experience it with one of the senses, that is, taste, touch, smell, sight or hearing. When your goal is tangible you have a better chance of making it specific and measurable and thus attainable.
  • The three areas I need to work on in the Change process outlined by Jeffrey are accountability, support, and rewards. Accountability and support adds focus which increases momentum. I do pretty well with intrinsic rewards, but studies show that external awards are equally as valuable and often I don't set those up.

    Great post Jeffrey on the process of change.
  • Thanks! Appreciate the comment.
  • Change is definitely about core behaviors, that's why it can be difficult to sustain. Having someone to both support you and hold you accountable is key to success, and as you say even on a daily basis. Geez louise, talk about a core behavior I have to change - I don't want to ask for help and can still sometimes be a rebel without a cause.
    I'm resisting and fighting my resistance.
  • Why are you fighting something you know to be inherently for the best?
  • janica
    Thank you for this post. I really got a great deal of clarity as I read it. I started to change my game two years ago after coming to my own understanding of the truth of your statement "You don’t have a personal life and a professional life – there is just life."

    I was working in a job that was completely inconsistent with my core values. Surviving in that environment required me to set aside some of the things I believe in most on a daily basis. I literally came home with a sore tongue from biting it to avoid speaking my truth. I realized that the stress I experienced from being unsuccessful in reconciling the two lives meant that my "just life" was going to be unhappy and shortened.

    So I decided to change my game by taking the audacious step of quitting the job and starting my own business. The goal of integrating my true self across all the hours of my days has been a guiding core principle. I am marveling at the current client base I have full of people who are doing work that I believe in and can be proud to support.

    I don't know that I really understood that it all started with and has all been guided by that basic principle -- there is only "just life". Thank you.
  • Life changes when you change your life audaciously! = ) Awesome results!
  • Hi Jeffrey,

    I struggle big time in this area. I am working harder to set, write and track my goals. I am OK at dreaming and visualizing what I want and where I want to be, but coming up with the plan to get there is a different story.

    I've recently weeded out some negative influences an surrounded myself with supporters. These aren't new supporters in my life, I've simply figured out how to spend more time with these folks and share more of what I'm trying to do. It is so awesome when you realize that there are those who are rooting for you and really want you to succeed.

    Thank you for your post.

    Kevin.
  • nazimaali
    I definitely like the rewards idea:) Great simple advice that's broken down into doable steps. I think the hardest part is finding that right person that will really support you in the change. Also like the idea of paying it forward. Thanks for this post.
  • You are most welcome!
  • Okay Jeffrey! This post was EXACTLY what I needed today! Thank you!!! In fact, this is one I am going to read regularly... it's just LOADED with stuff I need to keep remembering AND practicing! Here are my big take-aways for now:

    "Align them with your core values for real impact." Just these past few days, I've been realizing that I need to reconnect with (or even discover/claim for the first time) MY core values. I've lived out other people's core values for too long. I have a process I can use to help me in that and I've scheduled two hours on Saturday morning to begin to delve into those AND align my goals with them. I'm also going to use some of that time for getting clear on my answers to your questions: "What will success look like? Feel like? What will this change accomplish? Allow you to do?"

    #9. Review efforts with change coach daily/weekly to refocus behaviors and tasks and to ensure accountability. I keep managing to wiggle my way out of this level of accountability... and in so doing have wiggled my way out of the results I say I want. So - I will be putting this back in place with my coach next week.

    And lastly: "Be ready to engage all the necessary resources to accomplish your change goals. If you are not prepared to invest whatever resources are necessary to achieve your goals, you will not succeed." I replied to someone below sharing a Vince Lombardi quote about "playing not to lose" versus "playing to win". So... bottom line, am I playing to win and doing whatever it takes to win????
  • You're welcome! So far, it sounds like you're on your way Teresa.


    As an aside, we have to keep in mind that value alignment has to become part of your DNA. You have to begin looking at all opportunities and relationships in terms of how/if/where they fit into your core values. This alone will tell you how to react to the opportunity. Until you inculcate yourself with this, you will find yourself occasionally falling off the values wagon and into trouble.
  • "Until you inculcate yourself with this, you will find yourself occasionally falling off the values wagon and into trouble."

    OCCASIONALLY, Jeffrey? How about me not even knowing there was a "values wagon" to fall off of???? LOL!

    Thanks again!
  • OK, good point! = )
  • First, I LOVE LISTS, so thank you for giving me another...on those days when I feel overwhelmed, being able to look at a list on which I've made progress, makes me feel much better.

    Second, your line "You don’t have a personal life and a professional life – there is just life" rocked my world. I've had a constant feeling as though I had to somehow separate my writing life from my life as a wife & mother (unsuccessfully, obviously). Realizing that, instead of separation, I will have more pleasure from integration gives me an entirely new direction to go toward...Awesome!!
  • Glad you found value in the plan.
  • Hey Writergrrl! That same line is one of the ones that jumped out at me and rocked my world too! "You don’t have a personal life and a professional life – there is just life." THIS is MY life... and when I approach it as a whole (instead of trading business success/satisfaction for personal success/satisfaction) I immediately feel more ENGAGED and willing to change. The separation breeds resentment for me... so I'm with you! More pleasure from integration!

    BTW - How's your "change game" process going for you????
  • Thanks, Teresa! As far as my change game process, I'm still trying to figure out my direct based on the daily assimilation of the great info given...and I'm proud of myself for remaining engaged!! I am not looking to start a business or anything, so for me the change I have needed has been more about getting a crystal clear goal of where I want to go with my writing and/or editing career - and how to balance that with having 2 young boys. My 2009 was one of new friendships and opportunities (not all paid), but was overwhelmingly scattered. 2010 will prove to be the year that I will take definitive steps toward the life I've been daydreaming about.
  • 1. Follow your passions.
    2. Forget the "balance myth". Balance is not the goal. Balance is the foundation of mediocrity.
  • Wow... this one hit a nerve and raises a question for me. What do YOU mean by the "balance myth" we need to forget? I think of balance as "fullness", "wholeness", "well-roundedness"... but I'm thinking you mean something else. In which case, what is the real goal (if not balance)?
  • This may be a discussion for another time but since you asked, I'll answer. The goal is whatever you want it to be but no goal was ever achieved with equal inputs. What I refer to is the work/home, personal/professional family/job balance myth. Fullness, wholeness and well-roundedness are too arbitrary to mean anything real. Who among us is full? Certainly no one is whole [and whole is not the opposite of empty]. You can't get through life with everything intact. Well-rounded is just a temporary condition. When you set your sights on a more lofty goal, you immediately become un-rounded. This is the chaotic essence of change. And the world, and our journey in it is in constant change. This is why values are the most important ingredient. They dictate where priorities lie; where efforts are directed. They are our roadmap.
  • WOW Jeffrey! Thank you for being willing to open this can of worms! You've just become a catalyst for chaos (aka REAL change) in my life. "When you set your sights on a more lofty goal, you immediately become un-rounded. "
    I think you've just shattered some illusions I have had for most of my life... and I'm definitely going to be "sitting" with this one for awhile!
  • I'm so with you Teresa! And I think (at least for me) that much of this goal of 'balance' is part of the perpetuation of the ideal of 'perfection'. And it also tends to be the thing that, despite the thought that it's meant to take me higher, become better - I actually become more 'stuck' and even more critical of myself and my lack of 'success'. Does that make sense to you, too?

    Jeffrey, thank you SO MUCH for following this line of thought and busting out the Truth about change/chaos. When I consider how I actually respond to chaos, I find that I am much more productive (thrilled, even) when I go with the flow of it without setting expectations on myself or others about how each step will be played out. If I'm honest, I see more profound joyful leaps in my life when I send out my intentions (related to my core values) to the Universe and simply follow what comes next. When I get so very wrapped up in every minute detail and executing it all perfectly, I miss the point...and sometimes the entire fabulous ride.
  • Anything for this group!
  • This IS a powerful conversation for me too. Reading between the lines of your comment and Jeffrey's, I keep coming back to my Achilles Heel... am I willing to let go of my [illusion of] control???? UGH!!! Do I try to CONTROL the change and ensuing chaos or do I accept it and flow with and through it? That's a toughie for me!
  • Most people confuse "control" with "taking charge" They are mutually exclusive and "control" is just another of the biggest change myths.
  • Wow, those are powerful questions, Teresa! As I read through your comment this morning it really resonated with me, as I have always been one who wants to be in full control, ESPECIALLY when things get chaotic! I've been seeing it a lot lately, and feeling like I need to try and control the direction my life is going, what I'm learning, which areas I am developing in, etc. What if I just let go and went with the flow????? ;)
  • Manage your life, don't try to control it. "Going with the flow" is a nice phrase but doesn't take you anywhere you want to go.
  • Powerful for me, too, Teresa! BTW, don't know if you saw a comment thread I was in a few days ago with Lori Latimer, but there is a cool read-along that Sally & I are doing after #30Days ends...I think you might really love it. Send me an email at: anj_morton@yahoo.com and I can give you details if you think you might be keen. :-)
  • Just sent you the email... hope you get it!
  • I'm proud of you for remaining engaged in this process too! :-)

    I'll be excited to continue to see you get clearer... and then LIVE that clarity in your life. Love that line: "take definitive steps toward the life I've been daydreaming about". Let's BOTH start LIVING those lives this year, okay? :-)
  • Susan
    Jeffrey,
    Great post! Love the 10 practical steps. #3 and #10 are 2 that I definitely need to work on. I have lots of stuff I love to do and try to do it all, narrowing down to a few and then celebrating the success instead of just moving to the next would be beneficial. Thanks for the straightforward post.
  • Don't think you can't do it all. You're only limited by time and space! = ) But you do have to prioritize your passions in order to realize any of them and just get going - now.
  • jen.
    "You don’t have a personal life and a professional life – there is just life." I have always believed this, innately. It's amazing how many people (usually HR types at companies where I've worked) have tried to "disabuse" me of it.

    This post is a keeper; I am going to print it out (as well as the one from yesterday) and get offline and moving today!
    Thank you!
  • I hear you there. Don't get me started on HR types! Keep listening to your internal voice - it won't lead you astray.
  • I need a #8 too! Been feeling like I'm muddling through on my own and not sure what to tackle next... Need that extra boost from someone who's been there and can give me the support (and kick in the butt!) when I need it!

    Is there anyone here who has successfully started an online business and been able to quit their 9-5 job to do something they love - and is really good at time/energy management and really focusing in on the most important next step for producing results and getting to the next level? (Particularly when it comes to implementing the larger picture or marketing/game plan.)
  • I need a #8 too! Been feeling like I'm muddling through on my own and not sure what to tackle next...

    Is there anyone here who has successfully started an online business and been able to quit their 9-5 job to do something they love - and is really good at time/energy management and really focusing in on the most important next step for producing results and getting to the next level? (Particularly when it comes to marketing steps
  • Not sure why it posted twice.... Sorry! ;)
  • michaelleiter
    Jeffrey
    You list of ten is encouraging. I'm struck by how much rests upon knowing my values. The world provides an unending flow of opportunities that require choices. It's hard at times just to figure out what to read next. Responding to these posts in Sarah project has become a daily discipline. Fortunately it's enjoyable, due to the quality of the posts and the responses from others in the community.
    Writing is consistently at the top of my priority list. And lots gets done. But now it's time for a sojourn into putting my office into order to set up for the next big project.
    I find desk space provides the greatest demonstration of entropy. And order always requires time and energy.
  • Yes indeed, if order is the goal.
  • StephanieCorum
    Lists are great. I love checking things off lists. I will definitely print this out so I can check them off as I complete them. And I like the idea of rewarding yourself. So often I keep looking at what's next, what still needs to be done, where I'm behind, etc. I don't take time to look at what I've accomplished and how far I've come. I will enjoy that step. Thank you!
  • It's a self-reinforcing mechanism that is crucial to making achievement a positive habit in your growth.

    Much appreciated Stephanie!
  • sarahrobinson
    An awesome post Jeffrey - like there was every any doubt. :-) The reason you excel at what you do it you live these 10 steps every single day. And, I must say, because you don't mess around tolerating anything other than excellence in those who surround you, I am honored to be in your company.
  • Now you're just making me blush! = )

    ...and the honor is all mine Sarah.
  • This is what I call being hit over the head with a clue by four.

    I am such a person to dive in and take on way too much. I get excited for change and in my change seem to get in way over my head. You're so right here. It goes back to "how do you eat an elephant?" One bite at a time. I love what you say about core values. I think many of us don't take the time to do the prethinking to set those and examine them. I think the world would be better served if we all had vision statements and core value statement.

    My action is to get creative and make some kind of visual of my own core values. Something I can look at and revisit and apply my decisions to as a way to make sure I am serving my own best and true interests.
  • Now you're cooking!

    ..and I love supreme goofballs!
  • Jefferey thank you so much for this post. I like the simple goal setting plan, makes it not as overwhelming. Thank you for that.

    As for eliminating the "negativity" that surrounds you, and taking the literal "you're either with me or against me approach" is great advice. For far too long I listened to what I call "dream squashers" and "naysayers". They do nothing but suck the energy right out of you and make you feel depleted.

    I am currently experiencing some serious life changing events including a separation from my husband. I have 3 small children and know how difficult it is to make changes so that you are living your "truth". "Walk the talk. " Having support and many "#8's" surround you during your journey is invaluable.

    Thank you for the direct, no-nonsense post!! Love it!
  • What slays me about armchair quarterbacks & the energy vampires is that they don't have to live with your choices; you do. They can use you as a little test project and suggest all sorts of stuff with minimal risk to their own lives.

    I am not a Theory in someone else's equation.

    BTW, I recently divorced my husband, Michele & have three daughters, ages 15-20. They are my greatest support and cheerleaders. By living my truth and taking responsibility for my life, I am teaching them by example that integrity in one's choices is paramount. You can do whatever you set your mind to. Never doubt that.
  • Hi Molly, I love your comments today. When I went through some marriage struggles a few years ago I thought I would be the one who needed to protect and support my daughters...turns out, they are the ones who protected and supported me. They were also my biggest cheerleaders. Since that time, I've done my best to live my truth and take responsibility for things. I'm not always successful, but I learned much during those "dark ages" in my life and also know that I have a long way to go.

    Thank you for your insight.

    Kevin.
  • Molly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I needed that reinforcement today. I love your quote, "I am not a Theory in someone else's equation." I am actually feeling lightened and healthier by starting to "live my truth".

    The best to you and congratulations on living YOUR truth.
  • :) You can do it, Michele. I believe in you.
  • You're more than welcome Michele!

    Let me use this to clarify two important points:
    1. It's more important to have the "right" #8's around you than the "right amount" of #8's. You need to be around people who are more experienced and wiser so that you can raise the level of your game.
    2. No one can suck the life out of you unless you let them suck it out. Get rid of these people now. The quicker you do, the quicker you can move on to better circumstances.
  • Yes, great advice Jeffrey thank you! And the "energy suckers" have been given the 'ole boot!
  • Woohoo!
  • jessimiller
    "It’s not about achieving perfection – it’s about achieving success."

    I love this! I had never thought about it this way before, and I do tend to focus on perfection. Thank you!
  • You're welcome!
  • Love the way you break it down.

    You can never have too many number eights. Love having mentors, they are invaluable. I have several, and they all hold me to my crap, and truly want me to have success. But to reference earlier days of the 30, I spend too much time in the on deck circle abs never get to bat - and right now is a really bad time to start a new team for some personal reasons I can't talk about.
  • sarahrobinson
    Mark - what are you open to doing/changing?
  • I'm open to doing just about anything to actually make myself feel like I'm not wasting my education and wasting my life being underused by those who I deal with on a daily basis. I would love to just tell them all to #%$& off and do my own thing, but I can't. It's not that I don't want to, trust me. It's that at the moment, risk is a huge giant to reward's infant sized prize.
  • Actually you can have too many #8's. This will cause you to lose focus and actually postpones action because you spend more time listening than doing.

    You have to get up to bat. You have to do whatever it takes to get yourself in that batter's box.

    "If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right." ~ Henry Ford
  • I have had too many in the past, but not anymore.

    You're right, you gotta do whatever you can to get to bat. I just get tired of waiting out the guy ahead of me who keeps fouling off pitches. I've asked him to lean in and take a pitch to the back, but nobody likes that.
  • Don't wait. Find a different box.
  • In a perfect world that's easy. But nobody lives on one of those. If the world was perfect, I woulda gotten up to bat and hit my homerun years ago, but here I am. I don't have the choice to change teams whenever I feel like it or get a different spot in the lineup the next day. I am not in position to rock the boat at the moment.
  • sarahrobinson
    Then today I want you to decide on one specific thing you CAN do. Write it here and go do it. Start making a habit of saying "I can." :-)
  • THIS I can do. :p

    today I can...well, today is shot. I'll Twitter you an I can tomorrow morning. :)
  • lorilatimer
    "You don't have a pesonal life and a professional life- there is just life." That reminds me of the saying that the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. And that follows along with the post the other day about walking your talk. You have to do that in every area of your life; you can't just pick and choose or you won't be true to yourself and your values, and then you won't be successful.

    And I love the line "It's not about achieving perfection - it's about achieving success." That's the kick in the butt I need to be reminded of everyday, because I get way too caught up in thinking everything has to be perfect.

    Thanks, Jeffrey, for these wonderful ideas!
  • I'm a reformed perfectionist myself! Still smarts sometimes. = )
  • I LOVE step 10: 10. "Celebrate your achievement. Once you accomplish your goals. Help coach someone else who needs to do what you just did, to reinforce the change in you and to pay it forward."

    I want to find a way to always be offering some sort of my coaching as a "pay it forward" sort of thing. This gets lost in our buzz-word filled arena of "Charge what you're worth! Stop devaluing yourself by giving your services away!"

    Looking for the right ways to give, and the right ways to receive.
  • Thanks, Gina, for raising the issue I struggle with... how to GIVE and yet not devalue myself/programs/coaching and charge what they are worth. Being the "All or Nothing", "Extreme" type of gal that I am... I've gone to both extremes and am now trying to find the balance. I'm starting to find that by looking at my underlying motivation for giving, i.e., am I giving because that's something I value and because I feel good about myself when I do OR am I giving because I'm feeling sorry for the other person, I'm afraid to charge what I'm worth, I'm being codependent or think I need to "rescue" someone, because I think the other person "needs" what I have to offer, because I have a "hidden agenda", etc. When I get still and go inside and check on this, I am finding it helps me know when to give and when to charge. (And the same applies for knowing when to receive.) Thanks for giving me an opportunity to clarify this better for myself... hope it supports you in some way too!
  • Thanks for sharing those thoughts. What great questions to ask ourselves!
  • One of my favorite ways to pay things forward is to recognize "people on the cusp." There's an energy they give off, and not to diminish the inherent "good" in giving, but it's ever so much more gratifying to help someone who maximizes the momentum by being ready to grasp the baton.

    Good heavens - that's a lot of metaphors to squish in one sentence. :)

    Anyway, it's great to help others. Helping others who are ready to help themselves rocks.
  • What's funny is your words just painted such pictures that I didn't even see them as metaphors! GREAT point though, and you're so right. I think that's a value in having an application process cause my gut would want to give to everybody and then when people don't take action you realize they had nothing at stake.
  • Love it Gina! We do lots of pro-bono work for non-profits as well and firmly believe in Cause Marketing as a way of doing just that. It makes the rest of what you do just that much more valuable.
  • Shelley
    "Core behaviors" is spot on. Just as rituals and routines work for my 18 month old son, they do for me as well. My main game-changing behavior this year has been to concentrate on this very thing!!!!!!!
  • I completely agree with this. As I am learning how to become consistent in my interactions with my 4 year old, I realize that becoming consistent with myself in my life is just as important!
  • Absolutely Shelley! Straying too far causes too many problems and makes it that much harder to get back on track. Appreciate the reinforcement!
  • Rachel Miller
    Jeffery,
    Ok so this is the kick in the butt post I needed. I'm really identifying with the "Surround yourself with supporters of the change effort and eliminate contact with negative influences. You literally need to take an “either you’re with me or against me” attitude" portion of this.

    In my ideal, world I'd be married to the ultimate supporter and have a relationship where my partner wanted, supported and participated in my growth and business. That not being my current circumstance is the next part of my "game change". Making the decision that I needed to change the environment I was in was simple. When I knew it was done I was ready to move on, but you're right it isn't always easy. Especially when other lives besides your own are effected.

    That's why I also love the idea of "Engage a “change coach”. An action I can take today is to find someone who has successfully made the change I'm trying to. Having tons of supporters can make me feel better but only someone who has gone through it can really understand the difficulties and show me the other side.

    Anyone out there divorced, with children and still friends with your ex? Want to be my "change coach"? :)

    I'll be keeping these 10 steps handy. Thanks.
  • I think one of the most important things you just said in your post is that you are still friends with your ex. Is that true - or is that where you are trying to go? Because if it is true - I think you have already gotten to a place not many divorced people seem to be able to go.

    I have re-written this about 5 times now... I think mainly because I don't know the answer to my question above - but I am assuming that you are striving TO be friends with your ex for the sake of your children? That is a tough feat - and one that sadly, a lot of people don't seem to be able to master. I keep deleting the rest of what I am writing - which is my advice...

    So I will just finally hit Post and say that I think you deserve to get what you want and the fact that you know what you want is the first step towards getting it!
  • You can be "friendly" with someone and not necessarily be friends. I think too many times we call acquaintances "friends" and this dilutes the power of true friendship. I have an adult, friendly, responsible relationship with my ex but we are not "friends".
  • Don't know if you will actually get this - I never got the comments thing to work for me - but as I'm going back through the comments - there are some I want to respond to - this is one...

    You are RIGHT! Being friendly is definitely different than being friends - I VALUE all of my true friendships - passionately! And striving to be and being friendly rather than 'enemies' with an ex is a feat and sometimes hard to do - but always needed if children are involved! :)
  • "Anyone out there divorced, with children and still friends with your ex? Want to be my "change coach"? :)"

    YES!
  • Hey Rachel! Like you, this post was really awesome to read today, and Jeffrey's point about becoming vigilant about the energy we surround ourselves with is right on.

    In terms of your question about divorced with kids and friends with ex, it's totally possible. It requires consistent, conscious choice to do so -- keep the picture of how you want your first child's wedding to go with you both being in the room and start to reverse engineer what shifts you'll need to make from there. I know from personal experience that sometimes folks who haven't walked in your shoes can't really take you across the finish line of healing. So a few resources for you -- I wrote about the 7 biggest mistakes divorcing parents can make (and how to un-make them) in my book, The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive after Divorce. You can find it on Amazon.com or learn more about it and some other great resources (like the DIvorce Resource Kit, that has a whole section on The Ex Factor and lots more) at www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com

    But here's a tip for you to use today as you go through the marital change you're in right now -- Ask great questions. Usually our ex-spouses are our greatest teachers and the lessons we learn from our experience from them can be profound. So ask yourself "What can I learn from this? Where's the gift in this for me and how can I use it?" Hope that helps!

    Thanks Jeffrey for a great post - and thanks Sarah for putting this all together! Loving it!
  • Absolutely! Thanks for contributing bigtime!
  • meganmatthieson
    While I do not wish I was divorced, I do wish I was replying to your request! I just wanted to say that ....I DID NOT feel the support of my husband until recently (from a lot of SCARY and DIFFICULT work) and now I do. It's amazing. I hope it continues!! Yeah for you to put out what you need. I bet you'll find it soon. All best, Megan
  • My pleasure Rachel! It's extremely important to remember you deserve it too! Thanks for sharing your story and Godspeed to you!
  • meganmatthieson
    Wow Jeffrey. I'm so busted! :) You don't mess around, do you? "Surround yourself with supporters." I've been doing that subconsciously for the last few months- and now I know why. Thanks for your NO BULLSHIT approach!
  • Sometimes it is very hard to get the naysayers and bad influences away from you - but the more you build up a good tribe of people who cheer you on and help (or can/want to help) you achieve your goals - things seems to become easier!
  • You are more than welcome. No time for BS, life is too short.

    "Either get busy living, or get busy dying." - The Shawshank Redemption
  • WOW! Talk about a quote hitting me between the eyes today!!! "Either get busy living, or get busy dying." What I've been spending a lot of my time and energy on (for most of my life) has not REALLY been living.... but I never saw it (until now) as dying. YOUCH! Kind of reminds me of Vince Lombardi's quote that goes something like "Are you playing to win or playing not to lose?" One of my game-changers is that I'm playing to win more and more!!! Thanks!
  • That is one of the best movies EVER - and that quote is right on! :)
  • I love practical - actionable - tips! Visionaries *dream dream dream* but to create a solid plan that will take you there ..... so useful. Your Super Time-Saving Tip I am just learning: When choosing a "change" coach: This MUST be someone who has successfully gone through the process. Thank you, Jeffrey!
  • You're welcome and thank you for stopping by and adding to the process!
  • I like this, very straightforward and clear-headed advice. I would add only one thing: Trust. You need to trust yourself, trust your impulse to make the change, trust yourself to make it through. Not saying that #8 isn't important, but that person should not be there to correct you when you screw up because you know you will - they are a sounding board, a reality check, and above all moral support. But you need to stay in the driver's seat, not transfer responsibility over to someone to fix you.

    I don't think that's what you were saying, to be clear, I just think it's worth saying: trust yourself, believe in yourself. Making the commitment to change is not all there is to the process, but it's a huge step, not to be underestimated, and we need to celebrate that and take energy and momentum from it.
  • While trust is important, here's a little story for you.

    A man walking along falls into a hole and can't get out. His doctor walks by and he yells, "Doc, can you help me out here?" So the doctor writes him a prescription, drops it into the hole and walks on.

    Then the guy's priest walks by and he yells. "Father, can you help me out here?" So the priest writes our man a prayer, drops it in the hole and walks on.

    Then the guy's best friend walks by and our man yells, "Hey Joe, can you help me out here?" So his best friend jumps down into the hole with him. Our man says, "What are you doing Joe? Now we're both stuck in this hole" to which Joe replies, "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."

    That's what #8 is for.
  • I've heard that story before and I see it as a reminder that when we need help in some area - you need to find the right person to help you - as you said "someone who has successfully gone through the process" that you are going through!
  • LOVE that story! Puts things in perspective... :)
  • = )
  • "Compartmentalizing your behaviors for the sake of validating existing excuses is not acceptable and always leads to failure."

    Brilliant statement!!
  • I agree!!! But not only is it brilliant... it's butt-kicking! :-)
  • We aims to please! = ) Thank you!
  • You're more than welcome Molly. Change is a constant struggle for most, so I thought it would be beneficial to talk about what you need to do right now to get started.

    One thing I will suggest is that you don't wait until you're asked to help someone else. If you see a need, fill it.
  • Absolutely! I'm a big fan of helping others; it's just that I'm just very discrete in my communications. ;)

    One of my favorite quotes (to paraphrase T. Roosevelt) is to do what I can, for whom I can, when I can, with what I have.

    It's just that in one year, I fully expect to have an expanded base of skills from which to draw, founded on the strengths I'll develop over the next few months.
  • Sounds like a plan to me! I'm a huge fan of TR!
  • I need a couple #8s :)

    There are two people I'll need who represent specific goals I'm going to achieve this year. Today's step: I will approach a few people who qualify as mentors and see what comes of it.

    When a student at the University of Iowa, I won a scholarship awarded to women who had helped other women achieve successes. I'm a big fan of paying it forward, and so within a year, when I'm in a position to help someone else through this specific process, I hope someone asks me.

    This post included some key action items I can really run with. Thanks! Best, M.
  • I agree with Jeffrey - don't wait for someone to ask you - if you see an opportunity to help - help! Though unless I am reading it wrong - you already won a scholarship based on the fact that you helped someone else gain success??
  • From 1994-98, I experienced a personal journey that gave me an empathy for what other women have had to experience. Subsequent to this, I served on various boards whose focus was on social equity, accountability and service. I also was able to coach women directly through programs at local community YWCAs focusing on transitioning from a state of dependence to independence - interviewing skills, drafting a résumé, negotiating childcare, salary particulars... This, coupled with my academic profile helped me to win the scholarship.
  • sarahrobinson
    Notes to the Tribe for Wednesday:

    1) Today’s theme song is: Let's Dance by David Bowie on @Grooveshark: http://tinysong.com/74PJ
    2) If you like a post please RT it to share it with your Twitter community. Thank you!!
    3) If you are getting true value from this series, please make a small donation to 12for12k’s Haiti campaign. Scroll down on the right of this page: http://www.escaping-mediocrity.com
    4) If you have signed up to be on the email list (you get little extras from me), you MUST complete the double opt-in process to get them. Look for an email from me in your inbox or in your spam folder and click on the link inside it.
    5) I have set up a Face book Group for us: http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=2460148...
    6) I built a list on twitter of all the guest bloggers to make it easy for you to follow them: http://twitter.com/#/list/SarahRobinson/thirtyd...
    7) There are also two twitter lists of participants in 30 Days. You will find them here: http://twitter.com/MirkoGosch/escapingmediocrity and http://twitter.com/The_Promo_Guy/game-changing

    Love,
    Sarah
blog comments powered by Disqus