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The Painful Truth Of Playing A Bigger Game [Day 23 - 30 Days to Changing Your Game]

This is Day 23 of 30 Days to Changing Your Game. Yesterday Allison Nazarian helped us get comfortable with change (it’s just part of the process, right?!). Today Dave Navarro takes off the rose-colored glasses and gives us a good, honest look at what changing our game is really going to be like. Don’t worry – you are up to it!

The Painful Truth of Playing a Bigger Game

By Dave Navarro (@RockYourDay)

It’s easy to talk about playing a bigger game, but it’s not easy doing it.  Radically transforming the way you live your life is a huge undertaking, and it involves stripping away limiting beliefs, self-sabotaging habits and in some cases, making massive changes that can rock every relationship in your life.

Playing a bigger game means taking risks, making significant sacrifices and having to deal with the fallout that inevitably occurs when those around you have to deal with a new and (hopefully) improved you.  You may lose people along the way who can’t handle your new, higher standards.  You’ll likely have challenges being around yourself as well, as your new, freer identity clashes against the smaller-thinking mindset you used to have.

It’s not easy playing a bigger game.  It’s actually pretty damned hard, so hard that a lot of people never make it and slink back to their old patterns, depressed at the prospect that they have failed, once again, to make things happen.

But not everybody slinks back.  Some people make it because they know something important.

Why do some people succeed at playing a bigger game while others fail beneath the difficulty of it all?  I think it’s because they make an important distinction up front – a life lesson said best by M/ Scott Peck in The Road Less Travelled:

“Life is difficult. This is the great truth, one of the greatest truths … because once we see this truth, we transcend it.”

What Peck is saying here is that by accepting that life is difficult, we expect it to be challenging and hard and painful sometimes … and we’re prepared for it.  We’re not saying “Why me?” because we know the journey’s going to be difficult up front.

Life is difficult.  But it seems much more difficult than it really is because we’re conditioned to think it should be easy.  To play a bigger game, you need to break that conditioning, to expect resistance to habit change, to expect failures to be sprinkled in with our successes, and to expect that you’re going to feel hurt and pain on a number of levels before you move forward.

Don’t be afraid of it.  Expect it.  It’s just life pushing at you, seeing if you’re really willing to push back and get what you say you want to get from it.

There are two popular sayings I fall back on whenever I struggle: “Pain is temporary; Pride is forever,” and “Pain is weakness leaving the body.”  I love those sayings.  You’ve got to push through some tough stuff to get tougher.

How would the next 12 months change if you adopted this attitude for yourself, and repeated these two mantras every time you felt like giving up?  What if you decided the temporary pain or discomfort was just a natural part of the process, and that going through it wasn’t “hell,” but just the dues you have to pay to come out stronger on the other side?

You’d play a damn bigger game, that’s what.

So why aren’t you?  It’s time to step up and defuse the programming that has tricked you into thinking that the challenge of personal growth should be feared instead of devoured.  Game on.

dave210x210 150x150 The Painful Truth Of Playing A Bigger Game [Day 23 30 Days to Changing Your Game]Dave Navarro is a product launch coach and marketing expert who gets more people to buy what you’re selling.  His “7 Steps To Playing A Much Bigger Game” manifesto and free workbook has been read by almost 12,000 people (read it for yourself at The Launch Coach blog). Get yours here: http://www.thelaunchcoach.com/library

If you don’t want to miss out on the 30 Days to Changing Your Game, please sign up here.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010 at 5:45 am and is filed under 30 Days to Changing Your Game. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  • SpiritusShelagh
    Mmmm - I'm not getting this somehow.

    I don't get that life has to be hard, that we are conditioned to think it is easy.

    And thinking that "there's a price to pay" kept me in a damaging marriage for far too long because I thought my unhappiness was the price I had to pay to give my children the financial advantages of his wealth, at least till they got through school.

    It quite shook my up when my daughter said how angry she was that I did not leave much sooner!

    I prefer to think "I am a worthy being that source adores" and to view pain as an indication that somehow I am off track.

    And thinking that there must be a price to pay, a pain to be endured, has held me back when on the brink of something good happening, especially if it is happening apparently without "pain", because I'm scared of what the "pain" might be.
  • Love that opening to "The Road Less Travelled" I've thought of it often. I agree with it, but don't always live by it. Many times I take the road most travelled and do what I can to duck the pain. This has actually caused me more pain in the long run, but I then do what I can to duck that pain, too. At some point, I am going to switch roads. And that point needs to happen sooner than later. I look forward to the weakness leaving my body.

    Thank you!
  • "Don’t be afraid of it. Expect it. It’s just life pushing at you, seeing if you’re really willing to push back and get what you say you want to get from it."

    This whole post hit me right in the gut - I have been expecting that life should be easy, if not now, then certainly *one day*! I have been afraid of pain and would rather avoid it than to push through it. I have had more of a victim mindset, and catch myself thinking of things as happening TO me, and that I have no control over them.

    It is INCREDIBLY empowering to realize this truth. It sunk right into my heart and I felt my essential self LEAP with eagerness and hope - "This way to your North Star!' ;) No more avoiding pain, discomfort or hard work - I'm ready to push back at life and push through to get what I want from it!!!!!
  • Sounds like you and I experienced very similar AHA! moments while reading this post. "It sunk right into my heart and I felt my essential self LEAP with eagerness and hope." Yes, yes, YES! That is exactly what I felt too! Well said, Jess . . . thanks for sharing that.
  • You're welcome! Thanks for your comment as well - I always love to hear about people who are in the same place, or on the same page. Camaraderie is a wonderful thing - I'm glad to be able to share part of this journey with you! :)
  • nazimaali
    Fantastic post and thank you for this. Straight forward - love the 'personal growth is to be devoured not feared'. Something to keep in mind regarding change as I go on.
  • Hey Dave and all!

    Thanks for this post and all your comments... I've learned alot and resonated with many of them. The thing that jumped out for me the most in this post is "Life is difficult. But it seems much more difficult than it really is because we’re conditioned to think it should be easy. "

    Guilty as accused... and, in my attempting to make it easy... it's actually become more difficult." So this is a good reminder for me to do it differently and to be willing to 'suck it up".

    That being said, I want to play some devil's advocate here. I can see how I could (and my clients as well) could take your message and, as a result, set themselves up for unnecessary pain. Interpreting your message as "pain is good" or "pain means you're changing your game or on track"... it seems to me that what people are doing (or how they're going about it) doesn't work or isn't going to work. This would cause "pain".. and have people work harder to "push through"... not realizing that the pain they are experiencing is different.. it's something they need to learn from so as to NOT continue to experience that pain.

    You replied to someone using the analogy about building muscle - how you have to lift the heavy weights and it burns. And I get that. But if someone were lifting the weights incorrectly, they could feel pain and wind up hurting themselves... and that kind of pain is not necessary and does not support them.

    So - bottom line - what suggestions do you have for helping people recognize when the pain they are going through is the necessary part of the process versus when that pain is unnecessary and is a signal for something else (like to do things differently or to change their game again)?

    Any feedback would be appreciated... Thanks!
  • Thanks for asking this question Theresa! I had thought of that as well - and am looking forward to hearing some thoughts on this!
  • Looks like we might have to come up with our own answers for my question, Jess. Ideas????
  • if there are two big things that stand out for me in your post they are "self-sabotaging habits" and "slinking back"... Unfortunately I am very familiar with them! But I am also cognizant of that fact - and I think that helps... Going to say your mantra every day - post it on my computer... and do the things everyday that hurt - this should be fun.... (meant both as fear and as funny AND as truth)
  • Hi Dave,

    Good post! (Sarah, you're picking great music! An added benefit.)

    Need to realize that most of what we've been told to do are just suggestions. Jokes on us. Yes, it's all programming & conditioning and most of it voluntary! We can un-program ourselves.

    Life's way easier since I embraced it for what is it: an adventure that I need to take part in it. Participating has made all the difference.

    Thx! Giulietta
  • Game definitely on! Thanks. Looking forward to reading the manifesto.
  • michaelleiter
    Now, that was a pep talk!
    So, onward with intensity and enthusiasm.
    thanks
  • Today’s post caused a light bulb moment that made the outdoor lighting of the Griswald family home in the Christmas Vacation movie difficult to see by. I’M! TALKING! BRIGHT! LIGHT! BULB! MOMENT!

    A switch has been flipped and there’s no going back now. “Pain is the weakness leaving the body.” “Don’t be afraid of it. Expect it. It’s just life pushing at you, seeing if you’re really willing to push back and get what you say you want to get from it.”

    Oh, I’m willing. I didn’t really know that until just now, but I’m willing . . . and I now know what to expect. I mean really, if you know the pain is going to be a part of the process anyway, why not put a positive spin on it and work it?!

    Awesome post! Thank you!
  • Glad to help. :-)
  • Peter Bernier
    What a great post! I just got back from my Stroke Support Discussion Group and this same thought was a point of discussion. Since my stroke I have been struggling with the idea that I have been forced to come to terms with my personal demons of 'being less than..'. I have arrived to a place where I now know that- it isn`t what happens to you but what you what you do with what happens.

    I have been lurking in the background of this group - soaking up all the excellent posts and the knowledge that everyone has shared. I owe Sarah a BIG THANK YOU for organizing this 30 days.
  • Dave, this was really what I needed today.

    I'm really hitting the pain in my game change at the moment. It's painful when relationships change. I've found it even more challenging that my own growth has made me face the truths about my relationships. Truths I've never wanted to face before. I've had to learn to call a spade a spade and no longer use his/her potential to be a rake as an excuse as to why things aren't different. If that makes sense.

    What's hardest is that my changes has also effected my kids. Hurting them is last thing I want to do. This post reminded me that pain isn't always a bad thing even for them. My learning to live my truth and making these amazing changes will benefit my children in the long run even if they don't see it now. I will stay strong. I will show them and myself what vision, creativity, authenticity, hard work and perseverance can accomplish!

    Thank you!

    Oh and for those of you wondering.......Yes, I did add a page to my site for my book project. It's very simple and not at all complete but I made myself get it out there without any second guesses or days of reworking trying to make it perfect. I'll be adding more info and details but it's out there. Feel free to take a look, offer suggestions or share your story! www.reignitingromance.com Just click on "Book Project"
  • Glad this was helpful.. Change is never easy, but if you focus on the result, that will pull you through :-)
  • lorilatimer
    As others here have said, that "Pain is weakness leaving the body" comment is so powerful because most people haven't ever (and probably never will) think of it that way. That alone is "worth the price of admission" today :)

    I've realized over the past few months that just because I think something is hard, doesn't mean it necessarily is hard. And of course, things are usually not as hard as I think they are.

    For too long I was looking outside of myself for life to be easy, but the chance for it to be easier, if not truly easy, is all within me. That was a huge realization for me, but one that has dramatically changed my life, and really changed me as a person. And actually not even changed me, but it's brought the real me out in ways that haven't happened in a long, long time.

    I know that I can do the hard stuff now, or I can do it later, and if I choose to do neither, then I will have to accept living a life of mediocrity. I've chosen to do the hard stuff now... and it's clear that the other members of this tribe have chosen the same thing.

    I know the rewards will be endless.

    Thanks for helping us realize the possibilities we have if we just do the hard stuff!
  • Oh Gosh Dave, what a thought provoking post! I see many women used the analogy of birth and that's a great one. One of the keys is having the end in mind. When you get pregnant, you don't think of the dr appts, the weight gain, being uncomfortable, the mood swings, the labor (or what could happen when there is no labor!)...you may think of them in passing, but what you focus on is the end result...a beautiful new life, a new beginning, joy, happiness...is the process hard..you bet...is it totally worth it...ABSOLUTELY! It's called life...it's messy, unpredictable, and sometimes damn hard...

    thanks for a great reminder!
  • LaConsuelo
    Dave, this is such a rich piece, I hardly know where to begin. First, thank you. The thing I've found in recent months is that playing a bigger game has forced me to get really straight with myself about who I am and what I want. The thing about that is it can lead to some of the shake-ups you've talked about (especially the clash between the new and freer Self smaller-thinking yet familiar mindset). If you sit with what seems like wreckage long enough - just sit and let it be without making it bad or wrong (like @elizabethpw noted) - you end up with pounds of gratitude for the real stuff that's left and a clearer vision of what's next.

    Thanks again - Connie.
  • Thanks - this is actually the beginning part of the "Bigger Game" manifesto - download the full PDF for even more :-)
  • OK, this is a meaty one, as seems to be the consensus among other commenters. You don't pull any punches do you?!

    So far the main resistance I am feeling from the process I've undertaken and the transformation I'm undergoing as a result, is burnout - although I have never been so energized, driven, certain and clear in my intention, I have also never been so overextended and there are days when the toll is heavy. Now I have some tools to face that and think about it in a more productive way - 'pain is weakness leaving the body', indeed!

    A Superb and challenging post - kudos and thanks!
  • Life's too short to pull punches. I learned that early on.

    Thanks for the kind words!
  • kristieschwanebeck
    Oh my Oh my Oh my!!!!!!! You have been listening in on my conversations haven't you? This is exactly where I am at!!! It's like you read my thoughts! There is this little part in me that longs for the bigger and the better, that knows she is capable of surpassing even my own expectations of myself which are incredibly high, by the way. This year has been a roller coaster for me of pushing against a seemingly brick wall to move to my next level and negating my life messages. I was conditioned as a child, both by modeling and by words and actions, into the victim mentality which really stalls movement. It is a paradigm that says you cannot change things because everything is out of your control and everything happens to you.

    I have been very dissatisfied with this and have had to cut out my family from my life for they continue to reiterate and support and push that mentality on me. This year (the whole 1 month of it) has been a fight between where I know I am destined to go (I believe I am to impact and change paradigms on a grander scheme) and everything I was brought up to believe. And yet, I thought that this was my own struggle and that it wasn't like this for others.

    Thank you so much for confirming that this is normal if you are going to stir things up. I like the perspective of it just being life pushing at you to see if you are made of strong enough stuff to push back. That was so energizing for me to read. You have given me a complete shift in paradigm. Thank you so much for that. Vision board here I come with some new thoughts!!!!
  • Emotional baggage is 100% normal - the more people you talk to, the more you realize we're all dealing with it. Rock out your 2010!
  • This is my favorite day in this series- there is so much truth here! And the beauty is, we all have a choice- Once I realized that life is difficult and truly accepted it, man- I was able to stop spinning my wheels, wringing my hands and keep moving. It was at this time that I truly realized life is full of choices that I get to make- ahhh- personal accountability- both scary and liberating- but the only way to live freely!
  • Glad to be a favorite! This truth is the #1 thing that's shaped my life and I'm happy I could share it with you.
  • Audrey_Godwin
    Dave,

    I must admit that I had been lulled into the delusion that life should be easy, that we can have balance and at some point in time the pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow. The last 9 months has been a work in getting that 300 pound gorilla off my back and accepting that what I am called to do is going to take real work, real sacrifice of time and labor and focused intensity. How else will my kids know that doing the work you love and making an impact on the world is difficult but oh so rewarding? And knowing that some relationships are forever changed (either gone or evolved) is liberating!

    I am so grateful you shared the reality of what changing the game produces in ourselves. Definitely going to download the manifesto! Thanks again!!!
  • Audrey, I am with you on that one! I also have found myself somehow expecting things to be easy *one day*, and realizing that I still have a bit of that victim mindset as well. It's powerful to see it and acknowledge it, though! As I read the post today I felt this uprising of determination and hope, power to push through the obstacles I'm facing right now and move on to the next step! :) The truth will set you FREEEE!!!! :)
  • Audrey,
    That was beautifully put and I feel excatly the same way! Losing the relationships has been the hardest for me but you remind me again that what I'm showing my children is so valuable and needed!

    Thanks.
  • Enjoy! I think it was Henry Ford who said "Most people miss opportunity because it's dressed in overalls and looks like work" :-)
  • StephanieCorum
    "Pain is temporary. Pride is forever." I had to type it for myself. That is definitely going to be my mantra! You speak the truth. Life is hard. I think the folks here in the Tribe realize that and want to use it to move forward and be better at whatever is their focus. I know I do. I try to view obstacles as opportunities. Okay, maybe I get sucked into the bog for a little while, but like the song for today "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down." Great song and great post combo. Thank you!
  • The key here is to realize there's nothing wrong with getting sucked down into the bog. It happens - life isn't all unicorns and fairy dust, and getting caught up in our drama is something everyone experiences. The important thing is that you have a solid mechanism for pulling yourself out when you're ready for it. Stew in the moment and learn from it, and then move on.

    Thanks for dropping by!
  • meganmatthieson
    Also- I'm sitting here thinking ...uhg. Don't want to go to class. (my ballet class) So your post is ....I'M GOING TO USE IT RIGHT NOW.
  • DO IT
  • meganmatthieson
    Dave! Love it. You are good! Pain is weakness leaving the body. Yes! I'm going to put that on a sticky and put it on my ....all over! hahaha. Or how about ...Rejection is Self Love Fuel. Ok, that's not as good. Can you fix that for me? Thank you for the inspiration!
  • Pain is weakness leaving the body. Wow. ...Wow. Wow. Wow. That was a *thwock*

    As a mother of three daughters, my analogy invariably comes back to the birthing process. Transition from one state of being to another is a wrenching, arduous process, but the payoff is enormous.

    It's also the price of admission to a life well lived. Bite the bullet, choose your pain wisely and keep moving forward. I'd rather have immediate pain upfront and grow past/through to a glorious adventurous life than to curse the dark and eat the bread for the rest of my dismal life.

    Great stuff. Thanks man. Best, M.
  • I agree on having the immediate pain upfront... then as time goes on and you keep step it up - you still have pain - but not like the first one!! :) (and I am with you on the birth analogy... )
  • You know people say to me "how could you ever want to do that again?!" (re birthing a baby, natural childbirth) ... and I'm like dude, I got a baby at the end.

    And the same in business, relationships, life.
  • Writergrrl
    Molly - I love that sentence: Bite the bullet, choose your pain wisely and keep moving forward. Choosing the pain that comes hand-in-hand with following my passion - Yes. Choosing the pain that comes along with the realization that I settled for a life less lived - Not so much.
  • I agree and I love what you said.... "Choosing the pain that comes hand-in-hand with following my passion - Yes. Choosing the pain that comes along with the realization that I settled for a life less lived - Not so much."
  • Aaamen on the birthing analogy, as I just this minute hung up with my sister telling me that my neice has been crying in labor for the last 5 hours and "doesn't think she can do this now!" LOL Um, there's no turning back now! If pain is weakness leaving the body, than transition is the beginning of something new and wonderful being brought into the world. And when we gaze on that "baby," our tears turn to joy.

    Okay. I can do this thingy.
    Thanks, team. Dave, I'm going to go download your manifesto. Wow, where have I been?
  • For me, it's been a redefinition of "hard" does not equal "bad" ... but actually equals "real" and "truth" and "awesome."

    There's a belief taught out there that you should only expect good magical things and think good thoughts, or if you think anything bad or expect anything bad, then you will only attract bad stuff. So we expect a magical fairies to drop stuff in our laps ... and then, of course it doesn't happen that way. Except when it does ... and then of course, it doesn't really, it's just that magical stuff happens sometimes after months, years of work/investment/relationship-building/etc.

    I don't expect bad. But I do invite challenges, uncomfortableness, opportunities for growth and to be real.

    And I'll tell you, the last 9 months, when I've lived this way, have been the most hard of my life. I've never worked more. But they have also been the most real, magical, fun, joyful, powerful, ecstatic, of my life. :)
  • EXACTLY. Growth takes work - if you want to build muscle, you don't do it by sitting down or lifting light weights ... you pick the heavy stuff and it burrrrrns.

    But it's a good burn.
  • sarahrobinson
    Notes to the Tribe for Tuesday:

    1. Today’s theme song is Tubthumping: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H5uWRjFsGc
    2. On Wednesday, I am holding an open Q & A call about The Gamechangers Roundtable. You can ask me anything about the event – or gamechanging in general. Get the details here: http://www.gamechangersroundtable.com/q-and-a-c...
    3. If you like a post please RT it to share it with your Twitter community. Thank you!!
    4. If you are getting true value from this series, please make a small donation to 12for12k’s Haiti campaign. Scroll down on the right of this page: http://www.escaping-mediocrity.com
    5. If you have signed up to be on the email list (you get little extras from me), you MUST complete the double opt-in process to get them. Look for an email from me in your inbox or in your spam folder and click on the link inside it.
    6. I have set up a Face book Group for us: http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=2460148...
    7. I built a list on twitter of all the guest bloggers to make it easy for you to follow them: http://twitter.com/#/list/SarahRobinson/thirtyd...
    8. There are also two twitter lists of participants in 30 Days. You will find them here: http://twitter.com/MirkoGosch/escapingmediocrity and http://twitter.com/The_Promo_Guy/game-changing

    Love,
    Sarah
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