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This is Day 19 of 30 Days to Creating Irresistible Presence. On Friday, Jen Louden led our thinking toward how irresistible the truth really is (which I of course LOVE!). Today, Charlie Gilkey continues that discussion as he turns our thoughts toward the importance of being real and focusing on others. Your gonna love it. 
Become a Character in Their Stories
by Charlie Gilkey (@CharlieGilkey)
When I was asked to write a post for this series, I was both excited and a bit concerned that I wouldn’t be able to write about how to create an irresistible presence because it’s generally not something I try to do. In a crowded space with so many people trying to be remarkable so that they can get other people’s attention, we already see a lot of Big Personalities, but that’s not really my thing.
There’s more to it, though, than it not being naturally who I am. So much of the effort expended in becoming remarkable, irresistible, and captivating causes people to lose themselves in the story they’re telling. It’s quite fascinating to talk to people who are fatigued from playing the character that they’ve created, when there was always the option of showing up as who they are instead of who they’re projecting.
Rather than trying to think about it in terms of being irresistible – which is largely about pulling people to you – think about what it would mean to become a fixture in other people’s worlds. It’s tricky business because, on the one hand, you can’t lose yourself in their stories, but on the other hand, you have to become a part of their stories.
Think of all the personalities in your world that you reference by their first names only. Those people are so fixed in your world that you don’t need a last name or any qualifying information. What’s more, when you think about something similar to what they do, their names pop up. When I think of comfort, I think of Jen (Jennifer Louden). When I hear the word remarkable, I think of Seth (Seth Godin). And so on. Even in those cases where those people aren’t the only person you think of when you think about a given idea, the fact still remains that in the cast of characters and the world you’ve created, those people are permanent fixtures.
The benefit of you being a part of other people’s world is that you exist to them even when they’re not reading your websites and books or watching your videos. You no longer have to work to attract them to you – you only need to keep doing what you do and they carry around your personae with them. I’d personally much rather be thought of when someone is struggling with getting their creative groove on than just when they’re a part of my world.
Thinking in terms of being a character in their world also helps remind me that the world is not all about me and what I’m doing. We’re interconnected and interdependent in very real ways, and this stage we’re on is so much more fun, rich, and meaningful when we recognize that we are a part of the play, but not the totality of the play. It can also be much more challenging, but I’d rather live by a challenging truth than a simple and false fiction any day.
One last thing about stories: most people are much more likely to share their own stories rather than yours because most people love to talk about what’s going on in their worlds. If you’re a part of their world, you get shared more often and more naturally than when you’re an artificial part of it. Better to be remembered off the top of someone’s head than to be something someone has to look for on a bookshelf or in their browser history precisely because the easier it is for people to share your gifts, the more likely that they will.
What have you done today to become a part of someone else’s story? A simple acknowledgment of their importance to you and an offer to hear their story and/or help them goes a long way.
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Charlie Gilkey writes about meaningful action, creativity, and entrepreneurship at Productive Flourishing. Follow him on Twitter to get bite-sized slices of mojo and inspiration.
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Related posts:
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- The Greatest Gift You Can Give a Mentor [Day 21 - 30 Days to Creating Irresistible Presence]
- A Little Summertime Fun & Games (with PRIZES!)
July 19th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Hi Charlie! Good Monday Morning.
This post resonates with me. I love it. Here's what I'm taking away from it:
Be good. (I know I've said that before) What I mean is …SIMPLY be good and yourself. (it's not simple to do, but find the clear concise YOU.)
Find what is unique about you. Then. Be nice. Show up for others. Yes?
There's something really beautiful about the simplicity of your message. It's leaving me feeling very calm. Thank you!
July 19th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
I've been holding back a large part of my life from my blog and it's starting to wear on me. I've had a hard time coming up with content for the past 2 weeks, because my mind is consumed with a part of my life that I'm not sure I'm comfortable sharing. An air of dishonesty is weighing on my shoulders, but I don't know how to open up without potentially hurting myself and my husband.
Any advice?
July 19th, 2010 at 3:36 pm
Thank you Charlie. It is so vitally important to have the focus shared, or on a cause that is bigger than ourselves. We all know those people who monopolize conversations and are constantly promoting themselves. We also know how we feel around them, drained. There is dialog between those closest to us. It is a shared spotlight and the conversations enrich us all.
July 19th, 2010 at 4:20 pm
To all the fabulous contributors here–
Thanks for sharing your insights and words of wisdom. I'm enjoying exploring the idea of an irresistible presence, and like the conversation going on.
What keeps percolating in my mind is a bit of a shift in how to think about presence–more like “signature presence”–how can I be genuine and authentic, and allow myself to show up using my innate gifts, strengths, and even flaws, in a way that is natural, effortless and REAL. I don't want to TRY to be remarkable because somehow that implies an effort towards something that isn't naturally there–but if I ALLOW myself to be authentic, and not edit, conform, or re-package who I naturally am, that is where my irresistible presence lies, and the place from where I can really connect with others.
July 19th, 2010 at 5:39 pm
Great post Charlie. What I take from this is that we need to cultivate real relationships with those people, so they can honestly say, “My friend Charlie taught me this..”. Like you said, surname free acknowledgment in everyday conversations indicate a real relationship.
July 19th, 2010 at 5:49 pm
Charlie,
Thank you for making it so simple – I don't want to be a BIG personality but I do want to be remembered for being dependable, honest and trustworthy. There it is, that's what I want people to think of when they hear or see my name, think of me or listen to a friend or colleague ask for a recommendation that can help them support certain aspects of their business. This will be my story of irresistible presence.
July 19th, 2010 at 5:53 pm
Thanks for the feedback, Megan! Saying that this message is both beautiful and simple is the highest compliment you could give.
July 19th, 2010 at 5:57 pm
A little. In general, we have more to lose by withholding than we do by sharing. If there are damaging details that would cause legal or privacy issues, remove the details and write about the common experience.
Before you open up to the conversation to the broader world, please discuss what the potential and realistic harm is with your husband, though. A lot of times, we conjure demons that never come to pass.
One more nudge: are you sure your withholding isn't coming from a fear of being rejected? In my experience, that the true fear most people unconsciously cloak in other fears.
July 19th, 2010 at 5:59 pm
Thanks, Richard! I agree – when the world is about us, it's often easy to feel disconnected from everybody else. And since we feel disconnected, we act in ways that support the feeling, thus making us feel more disconnected. We feel as drained as those around us do. When we open up, we are accepted, and, sure, some people reject us, but many more accept us because we're accepting them.
July 19th, 2010 at 6:00 pm
I like what you're saying here, Kristy, not the least because I often say that allowing ourselves to do what we can do is better than trying to do what's unnatural for us. The closer your presence is to who you are, the easier it is to maintain that presence since you're just being you.
July 19th, 2010 at 6:02 pm
Yep. Even if it's not “my friend”, “Charlie” is much more real to us than, say, the relationship we have with magazine authors. Those authors don't really exist in my world, whereas Jesse does. Interesting, when you think about it, no?
July 19th, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Excellent, Susan – that's part of the feeling of your brand! As you're building your website, you can ask yourself and others “does this writing or design reflect dependability, honesty, and trustworthiness?” If it does, great! If it doesn't, do what you can to get that feeling to come across.
And some homework, if I may: what about your real story conveys the traits of dependability, honesty, and trustworthiness? Remember to tell us, as we won't ever know if you don't.
July 19th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
Thank you for responding Charlie. I think you touched on an important thing. When we meet people with “Irresistible Presence”, it is the divinity in them shining through that we sense. They are connected to themselves, others, nature and oneness of the world. When we are disconnected from any of those areas, is when we feel the most needy. The need we feel is to be reconnected sadly,that gets acted out in many ways that never fill the real need.
July 19th, 2010 at 7:07 pm
Thanks so much for the insightful perspective. I have worked at becoming a valuable resource in my clients' lives—beyond my immediate role of Realtor. I enjoy being able to share community info–events, festivals, info on doctors, schools, and various vendors like handymen, house cleaners, even pet resources. I believe this extra step shows my clients that I care about every part of their lives, not only the times when they want to buy or sell a home. Ideally I am an integral Character in their personal stories.
July 19th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Yippee! Kristy, I LOVE what you say here: “but if I ALLOW myself to be authentic, and not edit, conform, or re-package who I naturally am,…” Bingo! You hit it with this one! It is the fear that makes us feel like we need to edit or repackage our most natural and authentic selves. I know I have been catching myself in that trap. So now we know.
My question then to all (including myself) who are in this place: What are you going to do about it (the fear) so you can confidently show up as your very own already irresistable self?
July 19th, 2010 at 7:48 pm
I like the way you write, Charlie. Be yourself. Contribute to a community and connect with others without an agenda. Sounds good.
That said, the sales page for the Irresistible Presence seminar makes me gag. Another overpriced seminar on making money through authenticity. Yuck.
July 19th, 2010 at 8:29 pm
It reminds me a bit of followfriday on twitter. There are more than a few weeks where I am amazed to see who includes me among their recommendations.
Sometimes, I think that I'm just posting to the ether, but when I see those tweets, I can see the times when I've become part of their story, just by being me.
I reach out to those folks and nurture relationships, which in turn, expands both of our worlds.
Interesting take on becoming irresistible! I appreciate your taking the time to share. Best, M.
July 19th, 2010 at 8:30 pm
>The divinity in them shining through …
Exactly. It's like they are conduits.
July 19th, 2010 at 8:32 pm
You ask a good question Shannon! I'm not sure of the answer for myself. I guess it goes back to believing that who you already is good enough. There's no need to change it or add to it in an effort to be what you envision others think you should be.
July 19th, 2010 at 8:35 pm
This is a great perspective, but one I hadn't thought of. Be memorable enough to others to be included in their stories. How simple an idea and how perfect! A subtle, thoughtful presence is so much better than a loud, overbearing one. Not to mention it fits my “real” personality so much better. Thanks Charlie for your viewpoint. It is excellent!
July 19th, 2010 at 9:16 pm
This takes the whole “enter the conversation in their minds” concept to a new level. Don't just enter it, be a major player in it by connecting yourself to their story. Make yourself integral to it. Love this thought. One of the “lines” I felt I needed to walk was the notion that as a proclaimed Christian, I have to squelch the reality I (and others like me) face every day, and aim for 'perfection'.
You know what? We swear when we whack our thumb on the table and we're not perfect and if people expect that, they're nuts. The minute I opened that “can of worms” and shared that vulnerable reality, I became more polarizing, but also more endearing to my resonant tribe/audience.
Now I'd never go back.
July 19th, 2010 at 9:53 pm
Charlie- Well said. I am always the go to person when somebody is in a mess. I am generous to the point of foolishness. However, I don't often really let people get to see the REAL me. I need to interact more authentically. Thank you!!
You stated where I am striving to be in in my life so very accurately–” It can also be much more challenging, but I’d rather live by a challenging truth than a simple and false fiction any day.” AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 19th, 2010 at 10:03 pm
I've never heard it put like that… Become a character in their story… but I like that. It is so true that when someone makes an impression on you… constantly… they are remembered… so if you do that also, you will be remembered
I try to be myself at all times… but I actually do tone down my personality at certain times – and I feel uncomfortable not being ME… so I don't do it often
I'm not sure if I have done something today to become a part of someone's story… but I hope so
July 19th, 2010 at 10:03 pm
That was VERY well put! I agree
July 19th, 2010 at 10:31 pm
oh how I have lost my tolerance for being around people that monopolize conversations – especially when it is the same stories!!
July 19th, 2010 at 10:33 pm
Follow Friday is an interesting way to look at that – I agree.. There have been a couple of times I have shown up in someone's list and it made me pause because I didn't even know they were reading my tweets – but I did the same thing you did and reached back and created dialog – and I love that
July 19th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
I love your conciseness… Be good. you rock.
July 19th, 2010 at 10:55 pm
Yes Molly, and we sense it when we are around them.
July 19th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
I am laughing Shelly. I had a similar conversation with a friend of mine this AM. It can be a sticky situation and one that is difficult to handle with grace. We would think they would notice the glazed look in our eyes. If it is one on one and we are not in the company of others, I try to look then straight in the eye while leaning in and touching them them to say “I can tell your excited about this, It is the second time you have told me. ” I think it is better to gently tell them. Otherwise they don't know. ( That is if we love them enough to want to let them know. )
July 19th, 2010 at 11:59 pm
I'm just a girl who is trying to make myself known to this world. I do have significant health problems and I do feel that this promotes a bit of dishonesty about myself. Those who know me, and on my blog…I discuss this openly; but I have to admit it is hard to discuss this with others. Thank you for this great conversation today…you have really opened my mind and heart up a little bit more about my situation and my desire to make it in this world!
July 20th, 2010 at 12:05 am
Hi Charlie,
Thanks for a great post. I appreciate the way you're advocating for just being yourself as a way to provide value and create presence. I think there's a trend of well-meaning “claiming” of personal space and strengths out there, that doesn't leave a whole lot of room for actual service to others. Being ourselves, in service, can be so gracefully simple.
Great metaphors, and thought provoking as always!
Best,
Sinclair
July 20th, 2010 at 12:22 am
The difference between trying to create my story and being a part of other people's stories was a big block for me as I developed my business. I kept trying to force upon myself who I was going to be, and what I was going to do for people using my ideas, my systems, etc.
During all that time I was working with people and supporting people behind the scenes, and helping them be successful with their messages and their stories. I really, really enjoyed doing it, but everything I read was telling me not to be “invisible”, that I had to get out there and show the world who I was.
Once my think tank group and coach helped me see that I enjoyed playing a support role in other people's novels and that this could be my focus everything changed. Now I am running a business that excites me, I am working mostly behind the scenes, but it doesn't matter now.
By providing support to their stories instead of trying to force my story on them my true value is starting to shine through, and from this my own story is developing naturally and coming to the forefront.
Thanks Charlie, I hadn't put this idea into this context yet, and this is helping me clarify a lot of what has been happening the past few months.
Jeremie
July 20th, 2010 at 12:25 am
I think the challenging part is opening our eyes and realizing that being ourselves is valuable. The things we do naturally seem so easy to us that we don't think anyone would value them, so we start seeking out things that we think people will value. So, our presence starts to move away from who we really are.
If we can learn to value what we naturally do, and who we naturally are and THEN realize that others value these things as well we get closer to our presence being who we are.
Jeremie
July 20th, 2010 at 4:06 am
Thank you for this great post, Charlie. I always feel that people come across as fake when they're putting on a persona instead of being real. At some point it starts slipping. I love the idea of being a part of someone else's story considering how many people were irresistible enough to me that I wanted to share them with everyone I knew.
July 20th, 2010 at 4:10 am
Ultimately being more yourself in every way, is not only easier for you, it makes everything so much easier for the people who interact with you. Charlie mentions how tiring it can be to keep up a persona that isn't truly you, and he's right, but it can be just as exhausting, if not more so, to be around people whose inner energy is out of alignment with their outer behaviours. It's the difference between being on your toes (if you're pretending) and being on your guard (if they are), and just being – easy, relaxed, natural, joyful.
July 20th, 2010 at 4:28 am
Hey Jeremie, it's funny how we tend to see supporting roles as less glamorous and so we don't give support the same spotlight as the person who produces the final result, but the big splashes just don't happen on their own. No one who accomplishes great things does it alone, they are supported by so many unknown heroes. Clearly you are one. I love your part about 'providing support to their stories….my true value is starting to shine through, and from this my own story is developing…' I imagine it's a great story. It makes me think about all the people I've met who provide support, solutions, and solace by just being themselves, doing their thing. More than what they do, they, are the gift. There is something about them. They're 'keepers' and I can't help tell others about them. They may have supported my story and I appreciate that, but theirs is the story I love to share with anyone who'll listen.
July 21st, 2010 at 3:00 pm
Thanks for the mention in your excellent post. I, myself, find trying to be anything to anybody just exhausting, and boring. The focus on being authentic as a way to let Love shine through us thrills me but as a way to make money or be special or put the spot light on me, it grosses me out. It puts the cart before the horse… no, it makes the cart far more important than the horse. Thanks for deepening the conversation about this!
July 21st, 2010 at 5:03 pm
It does show you care, Diane, and it makes it much easier for people to talk to and about you. If you've helped them with unrelated things before, maybe you can this time, too – or so the thought goes. The more they think about you, the easier it is for them to remember you throughout the entire home owning cycle, either their own or their friends'.
July 21st, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Thanks for the feedback, Duff. I do have agendas, though – it just happens that they're mostly good or at least well-meaning ones. ;p
July 21st, 2010 at 5:06 pm
That's the funny thing about business and life: you never know who you're reaching. And this is why it's so important to be true to yourself throughout all your interactions – you don't have to keep up with who you've told what.
July 21st, 2010 at 5:07 pm
Thanks, Stephanie! If only something being simple automatically made it easy.
July 21st, 2010 at 5:16 pm
Thanks for your response Charlie. Being more than just a Realtor–is exactly what I hope I accomplish. I want them to know that I care about them and their families–the whole person. It is what “being in relationship” is all about. Have a wonderful day!
July 21st, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Toeing the perfection line is exhausting! And ultimately futile, for if you succeed, you'll have to keep doing it, and if you fail, you'll feel like a charlatan.
Welcome to the dark…er, human side.
July 21st, 2010 at 5:24 pm
The fascinating thing here is that the challenges in our lives make us who we are. By overlooking and underappreciating the challenges, we're blocking true potentials for either growth or being more of who we are.
July 21st, 2010 at 5:28 pm
I'm glad this helped, and the sheer fact that you commented here lets me know that you're one of the expressive, more confident people. Imagine all of the people with a similar condition – or a similar feeling of dishonesty – who are too timid or scared to say anything about it. Heroes, leaders, and champions are often the people that simply stand up in a crowd that's too scared to do anything but sit.
Stand when you're ready. I'd be very surprised if you found yourself alone when you do.
July 21st, 2010 at 5:31 pm
Thanks, Sinclair! And I know what you mean; the quest for freedom and autonomy can quickly become a barrier to connection if we're not careful.
July 21st, 2010 at 5:35 pm
I'm definitely with Gail on this. Being center stage isn't conducive to everyone's thriving, and once people figure that out, they can share their gifts without feeling “small.” Sure, we may comment on the beauty of a house's exterior, but the foundation is what's enabling that beauty to manifest.
July 21st, 2010 at 5:40 pm
Right on, Gail! When they're out of alignment, they're looking to you for clues on how they should be, which sets up a weird situation because we all do a social dance with each other once we know who they are. You're both trying to follow in the dance…which results in a lot of exhausting awkwardness. I much prefer to be relaxed and comfortable.
July 21st, 2010 at 5:55 pm
Hey, bouncy one, I just call it like I see it. When I think of comfort, I think of you.
And I feel you on the authenticity thing. I'm not being me to make money, but being me is how I make money. There's a subtle but critical difference there.
July 21st, 2010 at 10:59 pm
Hey Charlie!
This is a great post for me to read – albeit a few days behind. Several things resonated with me:
1. Your sentence about “people who are fatigued from playing the character that they’ve created”. That's me… and I'm only now realizing I do have and can choose the other option you describe, i.e., showing up as who I am instead of who I've been projecting. That's challenging for me – because it requires that I love and accept myself as I am in each moment. And I'm not consistently there. And I am working on it – and as I am practicing it more, I'm better able to show up as me. (And I feel less fatigued)
I love the idea of striving to become a character in other people's stories and lives. I know I've done this with the clients I have loved to work with the most and have worked with the longest. Now my challenge is to find ways to recreate that in new relationships – with clients and friends alike. And I have some ideas about that… it's really about building a relationship with them that's about them but yet still is taking care of me.
Thanks again for this post. I've always heard “it's not about me – make it about them”…but somehow the way you expressed it in this post made that whole idea seem more do-able for me.
July 21st, 2010 at 11:02 pm
Hey Jen & Charlie!
Thanks so much for this interchange. I have spent (wasted?) far too much of my time and energy not being me in order to make money. And now I see I'm falling into the trap of thinking that “being me” or “being authentic” is what I need to do to make money. So I've made being authentic a “technique” or “magic pill”. I really do need to remember and practice being authentic FOR ME… and for the freedom and energy and satisfaction I feel from it. And trust that I will find ways in being that – with assistance from God – that will provide me with the money I need. And that's a hard one for me at times.
July 21st, 2010 at 11:05 pm
Hey Jeremie!
Thanks again for putting into words one of the shifts I'm needing to make (and in the process of making), i.e., “I kept trying to force upon myself who I was going to be, and what I was going to do for people using my ideas, my systems, etc.”
Key words that has described me – “FORCE UPON MYSELF” (and sometimes others)…
July 21st, 2010 at 11:10 pm
Hey Lisa…
“The minute I opened that “can of worms” and shared that vulnerable reality, I became more polarizing, but also more endearing to my resonant tribe/audience.”
The idea of being polarizing both excites and terrifies me … so thanks for sharing that you did it and not only survived… but wouldn't want to go back. That gives me hope and courage…
July 21st, 2010 at 11:15 pm
I love this! “When we open up, we are accepted, and, sure, some people reject us, but many more accept us because we're accepting them.” Thanks!
July 21st, 2010 at 11:24 pm
Teresa,
For me it was such an unnatural and “icky” feeling, yet I kept on trying to do it for so long because that is what I was 'supposed' to be doing.
I felt a breath of fresh air when Sarah mentioned the idea of Irresistible Presence as opposed to niching myself artificially. Drawing community and business to myself by being me instead of fitting into a marketing system feels so much better, and has worked so much better for me.
Jeremie
July 22nd, 2010 at 10:08 am
Teresa,
It's easier and harder at the same time. It's easier because you're being you. It's harder because some people, no matter how awesometastic you are, just won't like you – for whatever reason. It IS exciting and terrifying. You have to be willing to step into that space and let people know you – warts and all – and realize that it's NOT the end of the world if someone, or multiple someones, decide to take a pass on you. It can be bumpy, but incredibly rewarding at the same time because you let go of the B.S. and resonate with your real audience – your tribe. And those folks love you warts and all.
July 27th, 2010 at 8:14 pm
Wow! Some deep thoughts for a Tuesday, and I LOVE IT! This post had me thinking of the people that come to mind when I share my business with people. I always share their stories becuase they are top of mind. I had never thought of that as irresistible presence. I would much rather me thought of that way than in a book, on a website, etc…
I also realize too that I am top of mind to many people, and I find gratitude from becoming aware of it.
So, in my own closing, when I am authentically me and sharing it, I get that back from others. Now isn't that some serious irrisistible presence all around?