The Messenger Behind the Message [Day 7 - 30 Days to Creating Irresistible Presesence]

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This is Day 7 of 30 Days to Creating Irresistible Presence. On Monday, Reese Spykerman gave us back so many incredibly valuable pieces of ourselves. Elizabeth Marshall takes the spotlight today as she draws out the relationship between Creating Irresistible Presence and integrating your message with WHO you are as a messenger! A must read if you want to stand out as a thought leader.

The Messenger Behind the Message

by Elizabeth Marshall | @lizmarshall

I don’t know about you, but I’m a big fan of Behind the Music.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, its the TV series that gives you the “inside story” about the musicians and bands behind all those pop/rock songs you love – and know by heart.

Each 60-minute episode features a different artist or band and tells the story of the struggles, hardships and life circumstances they faced along the road to success. Along with the challenges, you get the inside scoop on their “big break” and defining moments that allowed them to go from no-name artist to pop culture superstar.

As the story unfolds over the hour-long episode, you also get a feel for the personality, worldview, values and overall character (or lack thereof) of that artist you love – or think you love – so much.

In other words, you get a glimpse of the musician behind the music…

At the end of the show, you either feel more drawn to their music or…well, less drawn to it as a result of peeking behind the curtain.

After all, it’s not just about the music, but about the artist and musicians who actually created it. That person behind the song or album can either reinforce your love of their work or cause you to rethink why you liked them in the first place.

This is especially true if you imagine what it would be like to personally interact with your favorite pop star (as opposed to watching them on the screen). Do you see yourself inviting them to dinner with friends, hosting them as a guest in your home, or even doing business with them in some way?

Here’s where it gets interesting…

Many of these pop/rock stars, as well as the celebrities, gurus, politicians, experts and leaders we like to follow (and even admire) from afar are not the same people we want to include in our everyday lives and in our business projects. All judgments aside, there’s a difference between the people we follow out of fascination and interest and the people we actually turn to and trust for advice and guidance on how to grow our businesses and shape our lives to align with our vision and values.

But, when it comes to things like music, we don’t always care about the musician behind it all – or, at least, we don’t let their story derail us from listening to our favorite songs.

So, does the musician behind the music matter or not? I can see it both ways.

On the one hand, I proudly admit to liking a fair number of 80s hair-band ballads, rock anthems and hip-hop tunes by artists I don’t see myself inviting to my home for dinner – or seeking out for business or life advice. On the other hand, I must also admit to throwing away $700 worth of CDs (as a result of a brief phase I went through in college) after deciding the musician behind the music DID matter.

Now, let’s take this conversation another direction and apply it to this crazy online world of entrepreneurship and thought leadership we all inhabit.

Imagine there was a series like Behind the Music, except it wasn’t focused on music or artists at all, but on the world of ideas, messages and thought leadership.

In fact, it could be a show called “Behind the Message,” featuring your favorite authors, messengers, though leaders, and entrepreneurs, and give you the inside scoop on the ups and downs they’ve faxed along the path to success. But, the show wouldn’t just chronicle the circumstances and situations they faced; instead, it would pull back the curtain on WHO they are as people – including whether they are authentic, generous, likeable and true to their message…or not…or some variation in between.

Now, if you could watch a show like my made-up Behind the Message series, would it:

Impact which messengers and thought leaders you choose to listen to and follow?
Change the way you feel about your favorite book or blogger?

In meeting and working with hundreds of authors and messengers personally (including many bestsellers), my experience is that the messenger behind the message DOES matter.

But, here’s the REAL question we should be asking ourselves…

Instead of watching our favorite blogger/messenger/author on the screen, imagine if our fans, followers and readers could watch a Behind the Messenger episode about US.

Would they like what they saw? Would they want to follow us, buy our book, or hire us after getting the inside scoop about the WHO behind the message?

From where I sit, Irresistible Presence is about more than just your message (or book, brand, idea or business), but about YOU, the messenger.

In fact, creating Irresistible Presence happens when you have a:

Message worth hearing – one that makes an impact on those who hear it
Essence worth following – and overall BEINGnesss others want to be around

Granted, it’s important to have a compelling message. In an overcrowded marketplace, you DO want your book and message to make a contribution – instead of adding to the noise.

But, assuming you have something great to say (which I know you do), your ESSENCE (or being-ness) makes all the difference in terms of whether your message is received – or discounted, dismissed or ignored.

You create Irresistible Presence when the messenger BEHIND the message is just as attractive (or even more so) than the message itself.

Although this Essence is not something you can buy, borrow, manufacture, steal or fake – like character, you either have it or you don’t – it is something you can cultivate and foster.

So, how do you take steps to strengthen your Essence?

Let’s take Les McKeown as an example of Irresistible Presence…

He’s got a compelling message – one that I truly believe every entrepreneur, business owner and leader needs to hear – and a GREAT book, Predictable Success. By itself, his message is making a difference. In fact, thought leader David Allen read his book and immediately saw the value in applying his Predictable Success process to his business – quite a testimonial. In addition, his book was recently named as a Wall Street Journal and US Today bestselling book!

That’s all fine and good, but the best part is getting to know the messenger behind the message.

Les is generous, authentic, and inspiring…I could go on.

Sadly, that’s more than I can say about some of the authors (including bestsellers) and thought leaders I’ve come to know over the past few years.

But, rather than lament that fact, let’s use Les as an example of 4 different ways you can cultivate a compelling Essence and Irresistible Presence:

1) Are you a Go-Giver?

To borrow a concept from my colleague and friend, author Bob Burg, Les is definitely a Go-Giver. He’s generous and willing to give first, without expecting something in return. Because of this attitude and mindset, he’s quickly built a loyal following and quality network of colleagues and strategic partners. Because of WHO he is, colleagues and strategic partners GLADLY stepped up to support him during his book launch.

2) How’s Your Likeability Factor?

Aside from being generous, Les is an all-around likeable guy. In fact, he embodies the four personality traits that author Tim Sanders says contribute to our overall likeability – friendliness, relevant (being tuned into others’ interests or needs), empathy and realness (or authenticity). To be clear, likeability is not about being fake or putting on a mask, but looking for ways you can be more kind, relevant and real – looking to Les as a great example of how your Likeability the spark to ingite the speed at which your message spreads!

3) Are you Aligned With Your Message (aka Practicing What You Preach)?

Unlike some messengers who preach one thing and practice another, Les lives and breathes the practice of Predictable Success. He applies the principles he uses with clients to his own business and life. Because he’s aligned with his message, he’s not only a more attractive messenger, but a more credible one!

By the way, I could say the same about our dear Sarah Robinson But, you already know that!

4) Are You Willing to Admit Your Mistakes?

Although it’s generally accepted that “no one is perfect,” it’s not easy to admit mistakes and “own up” when you fall down. It takes a dose of courage and humility to publicly say, “I screwed up,” which is exactly what Les was willing to do when his website went down during my AuthorTelseminars.com call I hosted with him, Michael Port and David Allen. Instead of making excuses, he instead made a joke about how he could have used the Predictable Success process to insure the website was prepared for the volume of traffic that day – increasing his Likeability Factor and making him more trustworthy in the eyes of those listening to the call.

Although there are many additional ways you can strengthen your Essence, here are four areas you can cultivate right away, so I encourage you to pick one of these and start cultivating away!

I don’t know about you, but I’m taking this post as an opportunity to polish up and strengthen my own Essence, as I believe we always have room to grow.

Want to join me?

- – -

Elizabeth Marshall is dedicated to helping messengers spread their message and sell their books. She does that through her coaching, teleseminars, and out-of-the-box workshops, like Book Breakthrough NYC – http://www.BookBreakthrough.com.

You can learn more about her by going to http://www.AuthorTeleseminars.com

P.S. If you aren’t already signed up and don’t want to miss out on 30 Days to Creating Irresistible Presence, please sign up here.

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Tags: 30 Days to Creating Irresistible Presence, Elizabeth Marsahll

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 7th, 2010 at 10:00 am and is filed under 30 Days to Irresistible Presence. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

http://twitter.com/reese reese spykerman
Hi Liz,
The analogy with musicians is great. I was recently reading about Taylor Swift in a magazine. A big part of Taylor’s success is, apparently, her incredible personal presence, and the ways in which she interacts with fans on a day-to-day, intimate level. Although it’s clearly part of Taylor’s “brand” I think she is her brand, and her brand is her. Her fans react to this accordingly with profound loyalty.
Of the four areas you cited, the one I could use the most work on is #3–practicing what I preach. You’ve given me a jump start in thinking more about this and carving out my own life in a manner that reflects what I encourage others to do. Thank you!

Anonymous
So glad you enjoyed the post, Reese! Yes, Taylor Swift is a good example of an alignment of messenger and message!
BTW, my undergraduate degree was music – Oboe Performance with an unofficial minor in piano – so I always enjoy finding ways to work in the music analogies!
Regarding #3, that is certainly an area where I need work, too! Although I spend quite a bit of time making and developing connections/relationships for my messengers and authors, I find that I struggle to consistently stay in touch with my own network to the degree that I preach. Ouch! That’s why I’ve finally decided to “get help” with my email/communication and hire Chelsea Moser.

http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
I’m jumping into the conversation late today, Liz… but right away I have to thank you for admitting that you have difficulty staying in touch with your own network to the degree that you preach. Unfortunately (and this goes to #1 – one of my weak spots), it seems that often I’m only contacting my network when I’m up to something or it’s about me. Not a good way to nurture my network. And I’ve just made up that you and Sarah and others just do it so easily all the time… and I feel even more inadequate as a result. Okay… there I go again… guilty of comparison. I do that that alot. (NOTE to self: Stop That!)
Anyway… knowing that you struggle with this too helps me recommit to doing a better job at this. And maybe I need to get clearer on what is “enough” in this area… because I’m sure I probably have completely over the top expectations. I do that ALOT too!

http://www.sundaynightsuccess.com Jeremie
I am working on figuring out the right way to do this as well. I do the same as you Teresa: I am quiet for long periods of time, and then a few weeks before I think I need to be in contact I reach out, knowing that I have not been a good contact for these people.
My current experiment is, theoretically, to spend one day a week on my business instead of working in my business. Part of that day would be making sure I connect with others. I decided this two weeks ago and am currently batting 0 or 2. I am not being too hard on myself, I have had some major changes, and big opportunities lately, so I think I need some time to get into my business groove.
We can do it!
Jeremie

http://www.sundaynightsuccess.com Jeremie
I just recently had the experience of someone’s presence entirely changing their message for me. I had followed a certain well-known blogger for over a year, reading everything he wrote. One of his main messages was using relationships to build your business.
Then I came across a lengthy exchange on a different blog where he continually attacked, insulted, and put down one of his competitors because this competitor did things differently.
On his site: Mr. Build Relationships. In practice: a pretty big jerk.
I haven’t been to his site since. So, for me, the person behind the message is important.
Personally, I need to work on #1 and #3.
I would classify myself as a go-giver, and find it difficult not to give extra in all of my interactions. The part that challenges me is, until the end of June I made my money as a teacher and did my coaching work on the side. I love giving extra, and it was easy because I didn’t need to make money from giving extra.
Now, I have left teaching and my coaching/tech work is my main income. As my own coach will attest to I am now having trouble charging for my go-giverness. I know there is a balance where I can make a healthy living for me and my family, AND continue being a Go-giver, I just need to work on finding that balance.
Alignment with my message is a challenge in two ways.
First of all, I am still finding, molding, growing, and creating my message. It isn’t quite clear yet, written in ancient scripture and I am still coming up with the translation guide, but it is slowly revealing itself. However, for the parts that are clear I think I am mostly living in alignment with it.
The second challenge I have is in working with some of my coaching clients. I have certain parts of my coaching that I know are important, and I know would be helpful to what my clients are working on, but I don’t have the confidence to deliver this message to them quite yet. I bring up the ideas, which at times are counter to what most people expect from coaching, but I don’t deliver the message strong enough and we quickly move on into the “usual” coaching practices.
I really think these ideas could make a big difference to my clients, so I need to work on being stronger with my message and delivering it more clearly. This would at least allow my clients to give these ideas a try and decide for themselves. Right now my weak message delivery is not even giving my clients the opportunity to explore my message.
One thing that is helping me with both of these challenges is surrounding myself with people who are already successfully doing these things. My own coach is an expert at being a super go-giver AND making money while doing it. Joining this community and working with the people in my coaching group (and helping in another coaching group), as well as working with two of my key clients is surrounding me by people who have a strong message and are sharing it with the world.
I don’t have to overcome these challenges on my own, and by immersing myself with these people and communities it is becoming easier and easier to get to the next level.
Jeremie

Anonymous
GREAT insights, Jeremie!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with “Mr. Build Relationships.” It’s a PERFECT example of the messenger not matching the message – and a classic example of what I’ve seen too many times in working with “bestselling authors.” In fact, I will confess publicly that because of my experience with folks like Mr. Build Relationships, I’ve been avoiding doing the BIGGER work with messengers and authors that I’ve been called to do – and letting those past experiences dictate what I say yes/no to doing.
Your comments about being a “Go Giver” and the challenges of knowing when you’ve given too much is such an important topic to discuss. Although we could talk about how to give when and where, I’ve found for me that my intuition is a good barometer for that. When I’ve given past the point of my own well-being, I feel an anxiety and exhaustion as a result. So, I’ve learned from over-giving in certain situations how to recognize that “warning signal” from my gut that says, “you’ve given enough.” Also, I think that Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs comes into play here. If you’re giving at the risk of taking care of your own needs – income, well-being, etc – then it may be time to pull back on the giving temporarily in exchange for a little self care
Because I’ve met you personally, I can say that the YOU behind the message is fantastic and that the opportunity for you is to clarify the message that goes with the messenger, so that the world can experience the great things you have to offer!
Now,

http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
Thank you so much for this Liz…
“When I’ve given past the point of my own well-being, I feel an anxiety and exhaustion as a result. So, I’ve learned from over-giving in certain situations how to recognize that “warning signal” from my gut that says, “you’ve given enough.” Also, I think that Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs comes into play here. If you’re giving at the risk of taking care of your own needs – income, well-being, etc – then it may be time to pull back on the giving temporarily in exchange for a little self care
I was planning on replying to your post saying that being a go-giver was a real weakness for me… but I’m not sure that ‘s really true. I think it’s more that I’ve given beyond the point of what’s healthy for me… I’ve exhaled and exhaled and exhaled… without the inhale. Then lately I’ve been inhaling and inhaling and inhaling… without the exhale of giving. (I AM an “All or Nothing” kind of gal!) So now I am beginning to learn the healthy balance for me… and, again, I need to be careful of comparing and “not enoughing” myself Thanks again!
http://www.sundaynightsuccess.com Jeremie
Thanks Liz!
I have tried to force this process before and it has sent me in some strange directions.
Since I have switched to being patient and letting things develop more naturally it has been going much better.
My message is there, and I will continue to learn more about it. Until then I guess the world just gets me!
Jeremie

http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
Great insights and descriptions! I think you said it best with your last line though..
“I don’t have to overcome these challenges on my own, and by immersing myself with these people and communities it is becoming easier and easier to get to the next level.”
It is amazing how much surrounding yourself with good people helps you be good too
http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
I am so glad you are participating in these 30 day Jeremie! I have already learned so much from your sharing. Thank you!
Once again, it seemed like parts of your story are mine…. especially the challenges you have in really sharing your message because it’s not clear, you’re not feeling confident to really step into and powerfully speak your unique message and because you now really need to make income from your biz. I’d really like to hear what you “unique” out of the box message or ideas are – because “different” is what is what is needed.
Just wanted to say thanks for showing up here!

http://www.sundaynightsuccess.com Jeremie
Thank you for the kind words Teresa. I am glad I came here as well, and I am even more glad I finally started posting (I lurked for a long time).
Developing ideas, messages, and irresistible presence is going to be very fun and exciting with this group!
Jeremie

http://twitter.com/DooneyPug Lori Finnigan
Jeremie
This is a great post. You sure have alot of enthusiasm and good insights into life, and I think you are in-tune with your business much more than for which you give yourself credit. Sending good thoughts and positive hugs your way. Not a chance you won’t be successful! No way!
Lucky me to have met you.

http://www.lemonoffice.com susanmdonegan
Liz,
Since I am just getting my business off the ground, I am concerned about and desperately want for people to “get to know the messenger behind the message”. I want for people to understand who I am and what I am about because I am good person, the kind of person that will support you and who will follow through with promises. I care and I am genuine because I don’t know how to be anything else. That is just me. I want others to know that about me too. Building my reputation online will take time and require an “active presence” from me. I am learning that I must also be patient and consistent with my messages and that in time others will know and trust me too.
Thank you for helping define the mission of developing a solid messenger image behind the messages!

Anonymous
Thanks for your post, Susan!
I can relate to that feeling of wanting for people to see you for WHO you are, especially when so many around us wear masks or put up a public image that doesn’t align with their private lives.
Even in the midst of that, I encourage you to TRUST that you already are that trusting, caring, good person and let your actions be the “silent witness” for the WHO behind the message. If you consistently act in a way that reflects the essence of who you are, potential followers and fans will SEE that – without you having to say a word to confirm/prove that is indeed the case.
Hope this helps!

http://twitter.com/DooneyPug Lori Finnigan
Liz
I like the “silent witness” statement. Trust, only 5 letters but such a BIG word. Why is it so hard to trust ourselves?

Anonymous
I totally get what you’re saying, Susan. I’m just starting my business, too. But last November I starting dipping my toe into Twitter. It took me a while to get the hang of it, but since I didn’t have my business anywhere near being started yet, didn’t have a website, etc., I just spent time getting to know people and form relationships. I am now a member of several tribes of awesome people, and they’ve all gotten to know me in ways that a lot of people I see in real life don’t.
So just be yourself, get to know others, and they will learn who you are and what you’re about in no time! And you’re in a good place here. I met many of the people I’m now closest to online when Sarah had her 30 day challenge back in January. There are some absolutely amazing people here!

Anonymous
Lori your insights on Thursday nights with the MOMeo chats are appreciated. So is your regular presence. I have gained so much in the time that I have been actively involved in Twitter. It has opened up more possibilities than I could have had say two years ago before I started using it. It has been a pleasure getting to know you as well.

Lisa
Hi Liz,
Awesome post. I am great at being a go-giver and being aligned with my message. I believe I do fairly well with # 2 but could do better with the likability factor. People who know me like me . I am fine one on one but sometimes get nervous in group settings. Initially, I can be a little shy which is sometimes misinterpreted for apathy. I am working on this. While I can admit my mistakes (#4) and apologize for them , I worry and stew about the mistake long after the issue has been addressed and probably forgotten by the other party. THIS IS A PROBLEM FOR ME! I need to work on that as well. Thank you !
: )

Anonymous
Lisa,
I really appreciate your comment, especially since so many messengers and authors aspire to improve their Likeability Factor! In fact, I can say that I am personally working on all four of these myself, since I believe we always have room for improvement and since building relationships for my clients is such a BIG part of my business
That being said, I encourage you to read Tim’s book (The Likeability Factor), as it contains several good tips you can use. Also, when I am feeling nervous in a group settings (which does happen to me too!), I focus on the other person and on being CURIOUS about them – who they are, what they’re working on, etc. When I focus on them, that not only allows me to be relevant, but to find some common interests or values we share.
In terms of the mistakes, I can say from personal experience that holding on to your mistakes is one of the biggest energy drains and obstacles holding you back from being a powerful messenger! Perhaps a daily/weekly “letting go” ritual would help you release the past and invite in the future? That’s something I’ve done successfully in the past and recommend to clients

http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
Thank you for that GREAT idea Liz… of a daily/weekly “letting go” ritual. I’m going to use that!
Lisa
I will read the book ASAP. I so appreciate your comments. A letting go ritual- What a great idea! I have been doing meditation which is helping a great deal. Thanks for your feedback!
Anonymous
Count me in on the daily/weekly “letting go” ritual….woo hooo :=)
http://www.sundaynightsuccess.com Jeremie
One thing I learned as a teacher, both in my training, and in teaching teenagers for eight years is that almost any mistake, when turned into a learning experience loses the negative power of being a mistake.
When my students fail a test they fret over the mistake. When I sit down with them and help them figure out what went wrong, then give them a retest it becomes a learning experience. They think that what they have learned is the math they did on the test, but I think the real experience is helping them see that mistakes can lead to something more positive.
I think what I have learned is that we always assume that if we make a mistake around people that is our only chance, and they are lost to us. I think most people, at least those who are worth having in our lives are more willing to give us a “retest” than we think they are.
I am also wondering if we can shift our view from mistake to learning if our mistakes can then turn into conversation starters instead of conversation enders because of the shift from negative, bad feelings to positive feelings of finding out what happens next.
Now my mind is working in a new direction. Fabulous!
Jeremie

Mary Havlicek
“I think what I have learned is that we always assume that if we make a mistake around people that is our only chance, and they are lost to us. I think most people, at least those who are worth having in our lives are more willing to give us a “retest” than we think they are.”
Jeremie, this is so well-put. This is a lesson that I need to learn as well. I’m one of those that has tended to think that if I’ve screwed up, that’s it, last chance killed off. Especially in the online world since people don’t know me face-to-face. I’m thankful you put it into words – helps to know I’m not alone!
Please keep sharing your insights – I’ve loved reading your comments.
Anonymous
mmm. So human. Can we all just relax a little with our mistakes? How wonderful.
Anonymous
That reminds me of a time when I broiled a cake instead of baking it. My aunt calmly took me to the oven and showed me my error. Then she told me we could try it again. Now I have a good laugh at my oops.
We thought it looked so pretty lol nice and golden on top until we went to test to see if it was done all the way through. Oi lol. That was the biggest cooking oops I made growing up.

http://twitter.com/mckra1g mckra1g
Great stuff! The underpinning of all four, IMO, is a strong sense of self and self esteem. Only from a position of security can you be truly selfless. It is this generosity and trust in abundance that drives true growth and wealth (of all kinds, not just financial).
I wrote a blogpost for our company’s site that draws a connection between the public and private persona. The gist of the post was that, increasingly, consumers buy from brands with whom they have a connection. The authenticity (buzzword bingo – sorry) of the company’s voice is the glue that binds the customer to the brand.
It’s an interesting world, where brands are becoming ‘people’ and people, through social media, are becoming ‘brands.’
It is of endless fascination to me. Lots to think about – I appreciate your POV today! My best, M.

http://www.jessilicious.com Jess Webb
So very true that it all comes back to a strong sense of self and self esteem! Love how you put that.
http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
So true on the strong sense of self and self esteem being the foundation! If you aren’t strong in that area, I think your message would be chaotic and unclear!

http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
Thanks Molly and all for this! That strong sense of self and self-esteem is a huge part of the foundation that has been missing for me. I’ve created a facade of having it…but that facade was hiding the fact that I didn’t. It’s not always easy to pull down that facade, expose myself and then really start to lay that foundation. But it’s worth it – I know. And your comments supported me even more!

http://twitter.com/mckra1g mckra1g
You are all out of bubble gum. baby. (google it)

http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
I googled it! Duke Nukem?? IF so.. like that
http://twitter.com/mckra1g mckra1g
Kee-rect!

Anonymous
One word for Molly ~~ BINGO!! ~~

http://twitter.com/mckra1g mckra1g
So thankful.

http://www.moreyourself.com Gail Blesch
Well said.
I only chanced upon this party today and have read all three posts and attached comment streams in one sitting. It has given me the bird’s eye view. What strikes me is similar to what you have said.
Once we give ourselves permission to operate from the inside out, we cease to shrink to fit. We stop staring at our feet and lamenting what might be wrong with them and instead we seek out better shoes that give us room to wiggle our toes and stand tall in our own power. We walk straighter and our step is more true. In fact we stop needing to remember the rules around how to be liked, or be authentic, or be heard, because when we come into our fullness, people notice. It is magnetic. It resonates with the part inside everyone that recognizes a soul in alignment. And that is when great things happen.
So for all of you here, take a minute and check where you are trying to fit in, and are struggling to keep up, match up, and generally be enough, and instead check the game you are playing, the role you are filling, the shoes you are wearing and see if they are honestly a good fit for you. Stop worrying if you are a good fit for whatever the trend of the day is.
If you watch those who succeed over the long-haul, you’ll see they set the trends rather than follow them simply because they aren’t interested in trends. They are interested in doing their own thing. That is what is so attractive about them. That is what will be so attractive about all of you!!!
Here’s to all you fellow hooligans being more and more yourself with each choice, word and deed! Can’t wait to see what you have in store, given all the genius tucked within you.
xoxo

http://www.jessilicious.com Jess Webb
Oooh, this is good stuff, indeed!
I think I probably need the most work on #3 and #4, although I don’t think I’m doing too bad on any of them! Those two areas could probably use a little more fine tuning and finesse though… As you said, we always have room to grow, and I’m on a continual journey to do just that!
http://lisa-unmasked.com Lisa MB
Great to “see” you here, Liz. We “met” years ago via @CocoFossland.
This is a concept near and dear to my heart. (And I LOVE Behind the Music! Just saw J Lo’s the other day and I now a fan!)
I don’t yet have the message worth hearing, but the essence is there. I practice what I preach and am ok with admitting my mistakes (what I call “keepin’ it real).
However, I struggle with 1 & 2 because I am still uncomfortable online. I’m always afraid I will come off as “fake” or too forward. The package is all there in person, just don’t know how best to convey it online.
I guess that’s why I’m hanging out with Sarah’s tribe.
Thanks so much for sharing this. I’m off to get Les’ book. (BTW..since you like music, when I saw his name, my brain screamed, “OMG! The Bay City Roller guy!)

http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
It is funny that you are more comfortable in person than online – usually it is the opposite! My advice (and take it for what it is worth) – it to ‘talk’ online exactly the way you do in person… it may ‘feel’ fake in type… but if it is the real you and you are consistent – it will be taken the way you mean it!
- Like, I find I need to put a lot of smileys and LOL’s because I am a smart@ss and that helps people know what I am saying is tongue in cheek – else it may come off more snarky than I intended

http://lisa-unmasked.com Lisa MB
So, Shell, how can you be a smart @ss and not a b*tch? LOL. (I am both, proudly!)
Thank you for the suggestion. And I do that. (A challenge in 140 characters, mind you), but I do my best to interact online as I would in person.
And we are soooo much alike. Your post made me smile.

http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
LOL – I love that you are proud! I think I can say smart@ss and snarky because I do it in fun… I always say the truth and what is on my mind – and a lot of people call that a b*tch –
HOWEVER – MY definition of b*tch is someone who is mean, just to be mean – tries to make others miserable and just needs to slap themselves! (get it? B*ITCH slap-LOL)
Anonymous
I like smart asses and bitches too. I love when people are their true in the moment selves!!

Anonymous
I am SO with you on this, Shelly….I do the same w/ LoL’s and (((HUGS))) and WOOTY WOOT’s and sometimes, folks think I’m screaming or are just toooo lovey-dovey or silly. I’m just me ….follow or not?!

http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
absolutely! I haven’t had anyone complain to me about my LOL’s hugs or very loud (CAPS) – maybe they just unfollowed me?? who knows! and I agree with follow or not

Katie @ Making This Home.com
I left a twitter tweet with the #cip to be added to the group but haven’t been. Any way you could include me? I’d really love getting involved on the twitter front with the group. I’m http://twitter.com/makingthishome
Thank you. This is all so fabulous!
Katie
http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
Great Post Elizabeth! and I just added Predictable Success to my to read list
It took me a little bit to evaluate myself against the 4 ways… but I’ve decided that I am all of those things AND I need to work on all of those things!
I am a go-giver – If it is within my power to do something for someone I will… and I am extremely loyal to friends…
Likability? wow – this is one I think I need to work on – not because I am a b*tch, but because I am introverted – was bordering on reclusive, but am bouncing back – but I am friendly, I *try* to keep up on current affairs, I have a great deal of empathy and I am real – seriously don’t ask me a question you don’t want the answer to… BUT – I am more of a people watcher, observer and listener… though I will jump in when asked and once I’m talking, I’m a chatterbox – but I was told recently by someone that I am an unapproachable person – that I give off some vibe <<I hate that… I need to fix that because in my head I'm easily approachable…
I'm not sure what my message is… but if I have an opinion on a topic or give someone advice – it is something that I do or would do in my own life… so I do 'practice what I preach'
I make SOOO many mistakes – not so much anymore (I can be taught) as I used to – but I have admitted to every one of them, taken responsibility for them, fixed/changed what I could and learned from them all… Though I do still make them and have to take that deep breath before admitting I did… but I do admit
I learn something new everyday – and am loving 'meeting' great people, hearing great ideas and 'seeing' the stories of people evolving and living the lives they want

Anonymous
Shelly I’m with you on the Likability thing. I’m introverted as well and have been taken as being rude and unfriendly on more than one occasion, simply because I’m quiet, shy and don’t really want to go around talking to everyone. If people engage with me I’m more than happy to chat and share but even after working on it for years I still have problems initiating the conversation. Just know that you aren’t alone!

http://twitter.com/mckra1g mckra1g
When faced with meeting a whole slew of people at a party or event, I’ve found that the following mantra I say to myself before heading in helps me to get beyond myself: “I am open to the possibilities of meeting others. I am open to opportunities that will help me grow.”
Then I just watch for clues of that manifestation happening, whether that’s commenting on someone else’s work or even something on their person that speaks to me (ie. tee, pin, jewelry piece – “That’s a fabulous pendant? how did you find it?”)

Anonymous
Love the mantra, Molly…..will use it, thanks:=)
http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
What a fabulous idea! I will try that next time I have to ‘work a crowd’ – that is good!

http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
thanks! I love to know I’m not alone! I was kind of shock when this person said this to me the other day… now – I just need for someone to explain it WHEN i’m doing it – so I can see why I’m unapproachable! it’s not like I sit there with my arms crossed and a scowl… (i don’t think!)

Anonymous
I’ve been told to smile more. I never thought I was scowling (and maybe it’s not an all out “scowl” but I must not have a happy look on my face.) Usually it’s because I’m tired. It takes a lot of energy to be upbeat and outgoing when you really aren’t!

Anonymous
You ARE a go giver Shelly!!

http://twitter.com/reese reese spykerman
Hi Liz,
The analogy with musicians is great. I was recently reading about Taylor Swift in a magazine. A big part of Taylor's success is, apparently, her incredible personal presence, and the ways in which she interacts with fans on a day-to-day, intimate level. Although it's clearly part of Taylor's “brand” I think she is her brand, and her brand is her. Her fans react to this accordingly with profound loyalty.
Of the four areas you cited, the one I could use the most work on is #3–practicing what I preach. You've given me a jump start in thinking more about this and carving out my own life in a manner that reflects what I encourage others to do. Thank you!
Anonymous
This is such a timely post for me. I was just talking to a publisher today about the challenges facing print media and standing out (in a good way) amongst so many others. She encouraged me to be persistent because the “story behind the story” was such a positive one. It helped me believe that I was on the right track in establishing my Essence. I know it still needs work, but between her conversation and this post, I’m inspired to continue on. Thank you!
http://www.sundaynightsuccess.com Jeremie
I just recently had the experience of someone's presence entirely changing their message for me. I had followed a certain well-known blogger for over a year, reading everything he wrote. One of his main messages was using relationships to build your business.
Then I came across a lengthy exchange on a different blog where he continually attacked, insulted, and put down one of his competitors because this competitor did things differently.
On his site: Mr. Build Relationships. In practice: a pretty big jerk.
I haven't been to his site since. So, for me, the person behind the message is important.
Personally, I need to work on #1 and #3.
I would classify myself as a go-giver, and find it difficult not to give extra in all of my interactions. The part that challenges me is, until the end of June I made my money as a teacher and did my coaching work on the side. I love giving extra, and it was easy because I didn't need to make money from giving extra.
Now, I have left teaching and my coaching/tech work is my main income. As my own coach will attest to I am now having trouble charging for my go-giverness. I know there is a balance where I can make a healthy living for me and my family, AND continue being a Go-giver, I just need to work on finding that balance.
Alignment with my message is a challenge in two ways.
First of all, I am still finding, molding, growing, and creating my message. It isn't quite clear yet, written in ancient scripture and I am still coming up with the translation guide, but it is slowly revealing itself. However, for the parts that are clear I think I am mostly living in alignment with it.
The second challenge I have is in working with some of my coaching clients. I have certain parts of my coaching that I know are important, and I know would be helpful to what my clients are working on, but I don't have the confidence to deliver this message to them quite yet. I bring up the ideas, which at times are counter to what most people expect from coaching, but I don't deliver the message strong enough and we quickly move on into the “usual” coaching practices.
I really think these ideas could make a big difference to my clients, so I need to work on being stronger with my message and delivering it more clearly. This would at least allow my clients to give these ideas a try and decide for themselves. Right now my weak message delivery is not even giving my clients the opportunity to explore my message.
One thing that is helping me with both of these challenges is surrounding myself with people who are already successfully doing these things. My own coach is an expert at being a super go-giver AND making money while doing it. Joining this community and working with the people in my coaching group (and helping in another coaching group), as well as working with two of my key clients is surrounding me by people who have a strong message and are sharing it with the world.
I don't have to overcome these challenges on my own, and by immersing myself with these people and communities it is becoming easier and easier to get to the next level.
Jeremie
http://www.lemonoffice.com susanmdonegan
Liz,
Since I am just getting my business off the ground, I am concerned about and desperately want for people to “get to know the messenger behind the message”. I want for people to understand who I am and what I am about because I am good person, the kind of person that will support you and who will follow through with promises. I care and I am genuine because I don't know how to be anything else. That is just me. I want others to know that about me too. Building my reputation online will take time and require an “active presence” from me. I am learning that I must also be patient and consistent with my messages and that in time others will know and trust me too.
Thank you for helping define the mission of developing a solid messenger image behind the messages!
Lisa
Hi Liz,
Awesome post. I am great at being a go-giver and being aligned with my message. I believe I do fairly well with # 2 but could do better with the likability factor. People who know me like me . I am fine one on one but sometimes get nervous in group settings. Initially, I can be a little shy which is sometimes misinterpreted for apathy. I am working on this. While I can admit my mistakes (#4) and apologize for them , I worry and stew about the mistake long after the issue has been addressed and probably forgotten by the other party. THIS IS A PROBLEM FOR ME! I need to work on that as well. Thank you !
: )
Anonymous
I loved your Behind the Music analogy! I grew up in Los Angeles – Burbank to be exact. I went to private school with the children of some pretty famous people and then high school w/some now famous people.
I learned at a very early age to look behind the facade, because, well, there was very little similarity between the person in front of the camera and the person you’d run into at the grocery store!
As for your points, I’ve always been a giver but have never been good at receiving. Something I’m working on!
People have always seemed to like me, and I think a big part of that is because I’ve always been a good listener and am genuinely interested in other people. In the past couple of years I’ve quit being so much of a people pleaser and being more true to myself and who I am.
I’ve never had a problem admitting my mistakes. I’ve always looked at mistakes as that no one is perfect, and if you don’t make them intentionally, then own up to them, learn from them, and keep moving forward.
I think the one I’m having the biggest challenge with right now is being aligned with my message. I’m starting my own business, and once it’s able to support me, I’m going to quit my day job. So when I’m at my day job, I often feel like a fraud because I know I don’t plan to stay there. I don’t feel authentic when I’m there. And that bothers me. Of course, it also motivates me to get out of there as soon as I can!
Thanks for sharing this. It’s very thought provoking and helpful.

http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
I don’t think you should feel like a fraud at your job – mainly because that is what it is ‘a job’ – you are working towards doing what you love and what you know you should be doing! Right??
AND – you will get there!

Anonymous
Maybe fraud was the wrong word. It just feels fake. But you’re right – it’s just a job and pays the bills right now

http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
Hey Lori!
Remember that a JOB is not a marriage! You haven’t pledged loyalty for life or even monogamy!
I remember when I was getting ready to leave my corporate job to start my own business, a coach told me that as long as I am fully present to my job and giving them the service that they deserve and for which I am being paid (aka “putting in a full day’s work for a full day’s pay”), I’m in integrity. No fraud going on.
Ironically, it says quite a bit about your commitment to integrity that you are concerned about this….

Anonymous
You hit it right on – I feel out of integrity when I’m there. But you’re also right that I give them my all when I’m there (and even quite a bit when I’m not because I’ll often answer client’s emails at night and on weekends).
I just need to ignore the mind chatter. The good news is that I’m usually so busy there that I don’t have time to listen to the mind chatter very often!

Mary Havlicek
I felt the same way when I was still at my job. The toughest part came when I learned I was pregnant – my boss kept asking about maternity leave and what my plans were. I had to tell him that I planned to take a few weeks – truth was, I planned to quit way before then, but couldn’t tell him that!
The advice that helped me best was to remember the job is a means to an end. It’s providing you with financial security while you get things up and running. And it’s just a job, like Teresa said. It’s not what defines you or makes you ultimately happy. Focus on what does and you’ll find you’re quitting a lot sooner than you think.

Anonymous
LOL – I did the same thing when I was pregnant with my oldest son!
You’re right – the job pays the bills and that’s all at this point. I often “dream” about giving my notice

http://twitter.com/mckra1g mckra1g
>”As for your points, I’ve always been a giver but have never been good at receiving. Something I’m working on!”
When we refuse to receive, we are depriving someone of the chance to give.

Anonymous
You’re so right! I’ve tried to remember that more often. It’s silly, because it makes me so happy to give to someone else, so why would I think it wouldn’t do the same to let someone else give to me?
Thanks for the reminder!

LizMarshall
So glad you enjoyed the post, Reese! Yes, Taylor Swift is a good example of an alignment of messenger and message!
BTW, my undergraduate degree was music – Oboe Performance with an unofficial minor in piano – so I always enjoy finding ways to work in the music analogies!
Regarding #3, that is certainly an area where I need work, too! Although I spend quite a bit of time making and developing connections/relationships for my messengers and authors, I find that I struggle to consistently stay in touch with my own network to the degree that I preach. Ouch! That's why I've finally decided to “get help” with my email/communication and hire Chelsea Moser.
http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
Hey Liz and all!
I read your post earlier today… but wanted to wait until I had time to really be present before I responded. I really “get” what you’re talking about and how important the messenger is behind the message. In fact, just a relatively short time ago, I would have said that I was pretty good at all four. Well – that’s not true. I’ve NEVER been good at admitting my mistakes – or even that I made mistakes! LOL!
But where I’m at right now in “picking up the pieces I left behind” (courtesy of Reese) and building a foundation for my biz and my life is quite a different place than many people here. You see… I’m only recently begun realizing how much I have NOT been a go-giver (I’ve been a give to getter) and how I’m not as likeable as I think and how I absolutely do not practice what I preach. Only recently did I recognize that I had created a facade of being all those things… but it wasn’t REAL. So now – in order to be REAL and authentic – I have to stand in and claim the degree to which I have not been those things… I’ve simply wanted people to THINK I was those things.
(I guess typing this now would fall under the category of admitting my mistakes, huh?)
And it’s WAY more difficult to be REAL about my s*hit – past and present. But it’s only by remembering that I’m really not all those things that I can then CHOOSE to practice and be them anyway. I WISH it was natural for me… but it’s not. So I have to work at it and keep choosing in each moment and then practice and practice and practice. And I still go back to my old “not so great” way of being way more than I’d like… especially with those people who are close to me that I supposedly “love”.
I remember reading a quote (don’t remember who) once that said that “the real measure or character of a person is revealed by what they do when no one is looking or they think no one will know.” Against that standard of when no one is looking or will know, I have fallen pretty short.
A any suggestions for someone like me who gets that they haven’t been or still aren’t a really great “messenger” behind the message… who wants to break out from hiding that fact and be real.. yet is so afraid of the potential fall-out?

Anonymous
Teresa,It takes a LOT of courage to stand in your “stuff” and admit your perceived (or real) shortcomings and your motives for doing so. YAY for you!! Maybe, we won’t “like” you when you tell us all of that..LoL. However, IMHO, more people than not, after analyzing themselves with these 4 areas, would be standing right next to you,(me included) mumbling about how they only “thought” they were all that and a bag of chips! Does that make sense???We are ALL on a journey of self discovery…and when we “check in” with ourselves daily, hourly or in the present moment, we become more aware of who we are and what we are sharing with others. Concentrating on one area at a time and truly connecting with that part of you is tough stuff. We are all here to learn how to create “that irresistible presence”…we are getting more tools for our tool box. Yippeee!! And, I’m walking right beside you with “my stuff” and I think, wow, Teresa’s got it all together. Then, you open up and show your vulnerabilities and I’m loving you even more….and it’s a sacred experience for me to watch/listen/read everyone’s posts. It’s truly an honor to walk with all of you. Thanks for letting me blab on here :=) ((HUGS))
http://www.sundaynightsuccess.com Jeremie
Teresa, your comment about improving the messenger hits very close. You see, with the birth of my son almost three years ago I underwent a huge transformation in who I was, becoming a Dad opened my eyes to a mixed up “who I am” that I wasn’t happy with.
I have almost always worked in helping professions, and when at work I was always a loving, caring, helping, and emotional person. However, in my personal life I was very sarcastic and pessimistic. I also had a huge, and I mean HUGE anger issue. It wasn’t always there, but man could I fly off the handle. My message to those I worked with was there, but it wasn’t being backed up so much by who I was.
I did not want my son to grow up with this person (I love my Dad, but he is this person) so I knew it was time for some change. I improved my messenger and matched it closer to my message by:
1. Doing a lot of self-reflection work through meditation (if you knew me three years ago you would choke on your drink knowing that I now meditate)
2. Realizing that the person I was at work was the person I really was, not the person I was in my personal life (a switch from normal I realize, but I “fit” so much better with myself now)
3. I answer this to most posts here so far but: surrounding myself with the right people who were willing to be there while I underwent the change and support the change.
I am so much happier with the person I have become/am becoming and shedding the mask I had put up around myself. The mask had its uses, as I mentioned in an earlier post, but it didn’t fit the way I wanted it to, and now it is almost completely gone.
I know you will find your way, especially because you have already started to surround yourself with the right people here.
Jeremie
Mary Havlicek
The only thing I can tell you, Teresa, is you are not alone.
As I was reading the four points, I knew, too, that I have fallen short in the past. I’ve focused on what’s going to help me rather than what I can do to help others. And unfortunately it’s become enough of a habit that I’ve been working on breaking.
“But it’s only by remembering that I’m really not all those things that I can then CHOOSE to practice and be them anyway. I WISH it was natural for me… but it’s not. So I have to work at it and keep choosing in each moment and then practice and practice and practice.”
I think that is brilliant. I keep doing the same thing – reminding myself that I’m not really like that. It’s a result of things that happened to me and it’s time to go back to the person I was a few years ago, who would have been able to say she was all four of those points (even with some work still). And of course you’ll have slip-ups – we all do! We’re all human, which means none of us are perfect.
I also plan to blog about these things – put them out there. The more you confront it, the easier it is to release the power it has over you.
Thank you so much for sharing this. This is one reason I love this group – it helps me realize I’m not alone with my crap and there’s a lot of support as I change.
Anonymous
Brave!! That was wonderful. I don’ t even know where to start w this…but your honesty is inspiring Teresa!
http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
That is a lot of admissions and great insights. Suggestions? Here is mine… Remember you don’t change anything over night.. I imagine most of your behaviors are habit – so my suggestion is to start small… start on the one thing that always pops into your head … “I want to stop doing _______ because I am not ______ I am_____” Then move to the next thing that pops in your head…
You know when someone asks you to do something or a question or says somethings or does something to you and you have that first initial reaction? Then you cover that up and do or say something else?? Well try going with that initial reaction …. just some thoughts! xoxo

http://twitter.com/mckra1g mckra1g
Great stuff! The underpinning of all four, IMO, is a strong sense of self and self esteem. Only from a position of security can you be truly selfless. It is this generosity and trust in abundance that drives true growth and wealth (of all kinds, not just financial).
I wrote a blogpost for our company's site that draws a connection between the public and private persona. The gist of the post was that, increasingly, consumers buy from brands with whom they have a connection. The authenticity (buzzword bingo – sorry) of the company's voice is the glue that binds the customer to the brand.
It's an interesting world, where brands are becoming 'people' and people, through social media, are becoming 'brands.'
It is of endless fascination to me. Lots to think about – I appreciate your POV today! My best, M.
LizMarshall
GREAT insights, Jeremie!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with “Mr. Build Relationships.” It's a PERFECT example of the messenger not matching the message – and a classic example of what I've seen too many times in working with “bestselling authors.” In fact, I will confess publicly that because of my experience with folks like Mr. Build Relationships, I've been avoiding doing the BIGGER work with messengers and authors that I've been called to do – and letting those past experiences dictate what I say yes/no to doing.
Your comments about being a “Go Giver” and the challenges of knowing when you've given too much is such an important topic to discuss. Although we could talk about how to give when and where, I've found for me that my intuition is a good barometer for that. When I've given past the point of my own well-being, I feel an anxiety and exhaustion as a result. So, I've learned from over-giving in certain situations how to recognize that “warning signal” from my gut that says, “you've given enough.” Also, I think that Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs comes into play here. If you're giving at the risk of taking care of your own needs – income, well-being, etc – then it may be time to pull back on the giving temporarily in exchange for a little self care
Because I've met you personally, I can say that the YOU behind the message is fantastic and that the opportunity for you is to clarify the message that goes with the messenger, so that the world can experience the great things you have to offer!
Now,
LizMarshall
Thanks for your post, Susan!
I can relate to that feeling of wanting for people to see you for WHO you are, especially when so many around us wear masks or put up a public image that doesn't align with their private lives.
Even in the midst of that, I encourage you to TRUST that you already are that trusting, caring, good person and let your actions be the “silent witness” for the WHO behind the message. If you consistently act in a way that reflects the essence of who you are, potential followers and fans will SEE that – without you having to say a word to confirm/prove that is indeed the case.
Hope this helps!
http://www.jessilicious.com Jess Webb
Oooh, this is good stuff, indeed!
I think I probably need the most work on #3 and #4, although I don't think I'm doing too bad on any of them! Those two areas could probably use a little more fine tuning and finesse though… As you said, we always have room to grow, and I'm on a continual journey to do just that!
http://www.jessilicious.com Jess Webb
So very true that it all comes back to a strong sense of self and self esteem! Love how you put that.
LizMarshall
Lisa,
I really appreciate your comment, especially since so many messengers and authors aspire to improve their Likeability Factor! In fact, I can say that I am personally working on all four of these myself, since I believe we always have room for improvement and since building relationships for my clients is such a BIG part of my business
That being said, I encourage you to read Tim's book (The Likeability Factor), as it contains several good tips you can use. Also, when I am feeling nervous in a group settings (which does happen to me too!), I focus on the other person and on being CURIOUS about them – who they are, what they're working on, etc. When I focus on them, that not only allows me to be relevant, but to find some common interests or values we share.
In terms of the mistakes, I can say from personal experience that holding on to your mistakes is one of the biggest energy drains and obstacles holding you back from being a powerful messenger! Perhaps a daily/weekly “letting go” ritual would help you release the past and invite in the future? That's something I've done successfully in the past and recommend to clients
Guest
Honestly….I really do not know what the hell I am doing when I write on my blog. I do hope that I am likeable, and mostly, I hope that I come across as sincere. I am (if my frickin health allows me to) in the process of trying to get my ass in gear and tell the world that I am ready for them. I must admit, I am sicker than a dog right now, laying in bed thinking….do I really care what others think of me right now? Even though I have my head in a puke pail…I do care and I am worried about #1-4…I do care what others think of me!! Here I am not concentrating on my health, actually worried that I will lose readers because I have not been able to write a new post this week, when in fact, I should be more worried with the fact my head is swirling and I cannot sit up in bed. Somehow…I have to come with the terms that I am only human and will not be loved by everyone, and I cannot please the whole entire world. Seriously…are the rest of you messed up as much as I am???

Anonymous
I’m a Meg too. Megan actually. (oh. it says that. !!! idance_iwrite on Twit) I’m feeling for you right now. It’s nearly impossible to do anything when you are not well. Let alone these soul-stretching exercises. I hope you get some releif soon.
http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
Hope you feel better soon! Definitely be more worried about being sick than writing a post! – or write a short post that says you’re sick (if you have readers that expect something from you regularly)

lisamilesbrady
Great to “see” you here, Liz. We “met” years ago via @CocoFossland.
This is a concept near and dear to my heart. (And I LOVE Behind the Music! Just saw J Lo's the other day and I now a fan!)
I don't yet have the message worth hearing, but the essence is there. I practice what I preach and am ok with admitting my mistakes (what I call “keepin' it real).
However, I struggle with 1 & 2 because I am still uncomfortable online. I'm always afraid I will come off as “fake” or too forward. The package is all there in person, just don't know how best to convey it online.
I guess that's why I'm hanging out with Sarah's tribe.
Thanks so much for sharing this. I'm off to get Les' book. (BTW..since you like music, when I saw his name, my brain screamed, “OMG! The Bay City Roller guy!)
Katie @ Making This Home.com
I left a twitter tweet with the #cip to be added to the group but haven't been. Any way you could include me? I'd really love getting involved on the twitter front with the group. I'm http://twitter.com/makingthishome
Thank you. This is all so fabulous!
Katie
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
Great Post Elizabeth! and I just added Predictable Success to my to read list
It took me a little bit to evaluate myself against the 4 ways… but I've decided that I am all of those things AND I need to work on all of those things!
I am a go-giver – If it is within my power to do something for someone I will… and I am extremely loyal to friends…
Likability? wow – this is one I think I need to work on – not because I am a b*tch, but because I am introverted – was bordering on reclusive, but am bouncing back – but I am friendly, I *try* to keep up on current affairs, I have a great deal of empathy and I am real – seriously don't ask me a question you don't want the answer to… BUT – I am more of a people watcher, observer and listener… though I will jump in when asked and once I'm talking, I'm a chatterbox – but I was told recently by someone that I am an unapproachable person – that I give off some vibe <<I hate that… I need to fix that because in my head I'm easily approachable…
I'm not sure what my message is… but if I have an opinion on a topic or give someone advice – it is something that I do or would do in my own life… so I do 'practice what I preach'
I make SOOO many mistakes – not so much anymore (I can be taught) as I used to – but I have admitted to every one of them, taken responsibility for them, fixed/changed what I could and learned from them all… Though I do still make them and have to take that deep breath before admitting I did… but I do admit
I learn something new everyday – and am loving 'meeting' great people, hearing great ideas and 'seeing' the stories of people evolving and living the lives they want
Anonymous
Hi Liz…
Loved this post. Looking at the 4 areas…#3 would be the one I would most need to work on. I truly don’t know what my message is…or could be!! I only have a few thoughts which are up in my head. I’m not working (paid), however, I do volunteer work which involves a taboo subject, suicide! So for me, it’s getting the right message out there…not trying to be an expert…not letting my ego get involved and honoring my sister in all that I do.
Thank you for your comments and expertise.

http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
Maybe we can all help you find your message!
Suicide is a taboo subject? I guess I can ‘kind of’ see that… but it is something that needs to be discussed/dissuaded and helped!! So YAY for you for volunteering! (I could honestly write a 10 page diatribe on this subject – but won’t!)

http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
It is funny that you are more comfortable in person than online – usually it is the opposite! My advice (and take it for what it is worth) – it to 'talk' online exactly the way you do in person… it may 'feel' fake in type… but if it is the real you and you are consistent – it will be taken the way you mean it!
- Like, I find I need to put a lot of smileys and LOL's because I am a smart@ss and that helps people know what I am saying is tongue in cheek – else it may come off more snarky than I intended
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
So true on the strong sense of self and self esteem being the foundation! If you aren't strong in that area, I think your message would be chaotic and unclear!
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
Great insights and descriptions! I think you said it best with your last line though..
“I don't have to overcome these challenges on my own, and by immersing myself with these people and communities it is becoming easier and easier to get to the next level.”
It is amazing how much surrounding yourself with good people helps you be good too
StephanieCorum
Shelly I'm with you on the Likability thing. I'm introverted as well and have been taken as being rude and unfriendly on more than one occasion, simply because I'm quiet, shy and don't really want to go around talking to everyone. If people engage with me I'm more than happy to chat and share but even after working on it for years I still have problems initiating the conversation. Just know that you aren't alone!
StephanieCorum
This is such a timely post for me. I was just talking to a publisher today about the challenges facing print media and standing out (in a good way) amongst so many others. She encouraged me to be persistent because the “story behind the story” was such a positive one. It helped me believe that I was on the right track in establishing my Essence. I know it still needs work, but between her conversation and this post, I'm inspired to continue on. Thank you!
lisamilesbrady
So, Shell, how can you be a smart @ss and not a b*tch? LOL. (I am both, proudly!)
Thank you for the suggestion. And I do that. (A challenge in 140 characters, mind you), but I do my best to interact online as I would in person.
And we are soooo much alike. Your post made me smile.
Tami Morello
Wow, this post has brought up so many great points. The main issue I’m working on right now is figuring out exactly what my message is. It seems like that should be so basic, but I’m struggling with developing a coherent message to build my “irresistible presence” around. I think most people consider me to be likable, once they get to know me, but I’m probably not really attracting new people to me. It’s a little hard to do that without being clear myself as to exactly what I’m trying to do. I’ve always had so many ideas, but the perfectionist side of me makes me afraid of picking the “wrong” ones to implement. I’m happy about the timing of this series because I’ve set this summer as my time to redefine my business and start a blog. I do know that when I have been “on point” in different arenas of my life in the past I’ve had success. Somewhere I got off track and have been slow to redefine what I’m doing. I know the presence and the message are there waiting for me to dig them out. So, I’m glad to have some company along the way!

Anonymous
So glad you enjoyed the post, Tami!
Before heading to bed, I just wanted to encourage you by saying that it’s a HUGE accomplishment to already BE the authentic and likeable messenger behind the message. The actual message itself will come over time – especially if you tap into your intuition and inner guidance and follow the threads that are already there. If you’re a messenger, then there’s a MESSAGE you’re meant to deliver – it’s just a matter of uncovering it

http://twitter.com/mckra1g mckra1g
When faced with meeting a whole slew of people at a party or event, I've found that the following mantra I say to myself before heading in helps me to get beyond myself: “I am open to the possibilities of meeting others. I am open to opportunities that will help me grow.”
Then I just watch for clues of that manifestation happening, whether that's commenting on someone else's work or even something on their person that speaks to me (ie. tee, pin, jewelry piece – “That's a fabulous pendant? how did you find it?”)
Besa
I love this one. It’s so deep. Isn’t that what makes us who we are, the deep part of us? I am in love with these postings. I have moments often where I read, hear, meet, or see just what I need to see in my life at that particular time in my life. This posting is one of the few that I have had just today!
Many things have occured today that prove to me that the universe is showing me that it is always listening and responding to my deepest needs. I had my Gremlin talking to me A LOT the last 36 hours, and no sooner had I prayed and felt the sorrow of it when I got an email from a friend life coach that simply said, “do you want to connect today?” WOW!
In any case, Behind the Music was one of my favorite shows when I had that channel. I loved getting to know the musician, and in the same respect isn’t about really getting to know myself? I think that’s where truth lies, is in knowing ourselves. Thank you for listening. I can’t wait for the next posting.
JoyFull_deb
One word for Molly ~~ BINGO!! ~~
http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
I'm jumping into the conversation late today, Liz… but right away I have to thank you for admitting that you have difficulty staying in touch with your own network to the degree that you preach. Unfortunately (and this goes to #1 – one of my weak spots), it seems that often I'm only contacting my network when I'm up to something or it's about me. Not a good way to nurture my network. And I've just made up that you and Sarah and others just do it so easily all the time… and I feel even more inadequate as a result. Okay… there I go again… guilty of comparison. I do that that alot. (NOTE to self: Stop That!)
Anyway… knowing that you struggle with this too helps me recommit to doing a better job at this. And maybe I need to get clearer on what is “enough” in this area… because I'm sure I probably have completely over the top expectations. I do that ALOT too!
JoyFull_deb
I am SO with you on this, Shelly….I do the same w/ LoL's and (((HUGS))) and WOOTY WOOT's and sometimes, folks think I'm screaming or are just toooo lovey-dovey or silly. I'm just me ….follow or not?!
lorilatimer
I loved your Behind the Music analogy! I grew up in Los Angeles – Burbank to be exact. I went to private school with the children of some pretty famous people and then high school w/some now famous people.
I learned at a very early age to look behind the facade, because, well, there was very little similarity between the person in front of the camera and the person you'd run into at the grocery store!
As for your points, I've always been a giver but have never been good at receiving. Something I'm working on!
People have always seemed to like me, and I think a big part of that is because I've always been a good listener and am genuinely interested in other people. In the past couple of years I've quit being so much of a people pleaser and being more true to myself and who I am.
I've never had a problem admitting my mistakes. I've always looked at mistakes as that no one is perfect, and if you don't make them intentionally, then own up to them, learn from them, and keep moving forward.
I think the one I'm having the biggest challenge with right now is being aligned with my message. I'm starting my own business, and once it's able to support me, I'm going to quit my day job. So when I'm at my day job, I often feel like a fraud because I know I don't plan to stay there. I don't feel authentic when I'm there. And that bothers me. Of course, it also motivates me to get out of there as soon as I can!
Thanks for sharing this. It's very thought provoking and helpful.
JoyFull_deb
Love the mantra, Molly…..will use it, thanks:=)
http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
I am so glad you are participating in these 30 day Jeremie! I have already learned so much from your sharing. Thank you!
Once again, it seemed like parts of your story are mine…. especially the challenges you have in really sharing your message because it's not clear, you're not feeling confident to really step into and powerfully speak your unique message and because you now really need to make income from your biz. I'd really like to hear what you “unique” out of the box message or ideas are – because “different” is what is what is needed.
Just wanted to say thanks for showing up here!
lorilatimer
I totally get what you're saying, Susan. I'm just starting my business, too. But last November I starting dipping my toe into Twitter. It took me a while to get the hang of it, but since I didn't have my business anywhere near being started yet, didn't have a website, etc., I just spent time getting to know people and form relationships. I am now a member of several tribes of awesome people, and they've all gotten to know me in ways that a lot of people I see in real life don't.
So just be yourself, get to know others, and they will learn who you are and what you're about in no time! And you're in a good place here. I met many of the people I'm now closest to online when Sarah had her 30 day challenge back in January. There are some absolutely amazing people here!
http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
Thank you so much for this Liz…
“When I've given past the point of my own well-being, I feel an anxiety and exhaustion as a result. So, I've learned from over-giving in certain situations how to recognize that “warning signal” from my gut that says, “you've given enough.” Also, I think that Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs comes into play here. If you're giving at the risk of taking care of your own needs – income, well-being, etc – then it may be time to pull back on the giving temporarily in exchange for a little self care
I was planning on replying to your post saying that being a go-giver was a real weakness for me… but I'm not sure that 's really true. I think it's more that I've given beyond the point of what's healthy for me… I've exhaled and exhaled and exhaled… without the inhale. Then lately I've been inhaling and inhaling and inhaling… without the exhale of giving. (I AM an “All or Nothing” kind of gal!) So now I am beginning to learn the healthy balance for me… and, again, I need to be careful of comparing and “not enoughing” myself Thanks again!
http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
Thank you for that GREAT idea Liz… of a daily/weekly “letting go” ritual. I'm going to use that!
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
LOL – I love that you are proud! I think I can say smart@ss and snarky because I do it in fun… I always say the truth and what is on my mind – and a lot of people call that a b*tch –
HOWEVER – MY definition of b*tch is someone who is mean, just to be mean – tries to make others miserable and just needs to slap themselves! (get it? B*ITCH slap-LOL)
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
absolutely! I haven't had anyone complain to me about my LOL's hugs or very loud (CAPS) – maybe they just unfollowed me?? who knows! and I agree with follow or not
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
thanks! I love to know I'm not alone! I was kind of shock when this person said this to me the other day… now – I just need for someone to explain it WHEN i'm doing it – so I can see why I'm unapproachable! it's not like I sit there with my arms crossed and a scowl… (i don't think!)
http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
Thanks Molly and all for this! That strong sense of self and self-esteem is a huge part of the foundation that has been missing for me. I've created a facade of having it…but that facade was hiding the fact that I didn't. It's not always easy to pull down that facade, expose myself and then really start to lay that foundation. But it's worth it – I know. And your comments supported me even more!
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
What a fabulous idea! I will try that next time I have to 'work a crowd' – that is good!
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
I don't think you should feel like a fraud at your job – mainly because that is what it is 'a job' – you are working towards doing what you love and what you know you should be doing! Right??
AND – you will get there!
http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
Hey Liz and all!
I read your post earlier today… but wanted to wait until I had time to really be present before I responded. I really “get” what you're talking about and how important the messenger is behind the message. In fact, just a relatively short time ago, I would have said that I was pretty good at all four. Well – that's not true. I've NEVER been good at admitting my mistakes – or even that I made mistakes! LOL!
But where I'm at right now in “picking up the pieces I left behind” (courtesy of Reese) and building a foundation for my biz and my life is quite a different place than many people here. You see… I'm only recently begun realizing how much I have NOT been a go-giver (I've been a give to getter) and how I'm not as likeable as I think and how I absolutely do not practice what I preach. Only recently did I recognize that I had created a facade of being all those things… but it wasn't REAL. So now – in order to be REAL and authentic – I have to stand in and claim the degree to which I have not been those things… I've simply wanted people to THINK I was those things.
(I guess typing this now would fall under the category of admitting my mistakes, huh?)
And it's WAY more difficult to be REAL about my s*hit – past and present. But it's only by remembering that I'm really not all those things that I can then CHOOSE to practice and be them anyway. I WISH it was natural for me… but it's not. So I have to work at it and keep choosing in each moment and then practice and practice and practice. And I still go back to my old “not so great” way of being way more than I'd like… especially with those people who are close to me that I supposedly “love”.
I remember reading a quote (don't remember who) once that said that “the real measure or character of a person is revealed by what they do when no one is looking or they think no one will know.” Against that standard of when no one is looking or will know, I have fallen pretty short.
A any suggestions for someone like me who gets that they haven't been or still aren't a really great “messenger” behind the message… who wants to break out from hiding that fact and be real.. yet is so afraid of the potential fall-out?
http://www.accessabundance.com/ Teresa Romain
Hey Lori!
Remember that a JOB is not a marriage! You haven't pledged loyalty for life or even monogamy!
I remember when I was getting ready to leave my corporate job to start my own business, a coach told me that as long as I am fully present to my job and giving them the service that they deserve and for which I am being paid (aka “putting in a full day's work for a full day's pay”), I'm in integrity. No fraud going on.
Ironically, it says quite a bit about your commitment to integrity that you are concerned about this….
Lisa
I will read the book ASAP. I so appreciate your comments. A letting go ritual- What a great idea! I have been doing meditation which is helping a great deal. Thanks for your feedback!
http://www.madebymegs.blogspot.com madebymegs
Honestly….I really do not know what the hell I am doing when I write on my blog. I do hope that I am likeable, and mostly, I hope that I come across as sincere. I am (if my frickin health allows me to) in the process of trying to get my ass in gear and tell the world that I am ready for them. I must admit, I am sicker than a dog right now, laying in bed thinking….do I really care what others think of me right now? Even though I have my head in a puke pail…I do care and I am worried about #1-4…I do care what others think of me!! Here I am not concentrating on my health, actually worried that I will lose readers because I have not been able to write a new post this week, when in fact, I should be more worried with the fact my head is swirling and I cannot sit up in bed. Somehow…I have to come with the terms that I am only human and will not be loved by everyone, and I cannot please the whole entire world. Seriously…are the rest of you messed up as much as I am???
JoyFull_deb
Count me in on the daily/weekly “letting go” ritual….woo hooo :=)
http://www.mattkoenigphotography.com Matt
I read this post today on my iPhone at a rest area in Northern California after 11 hours trapped in a car with two hyperactive kids. I definitely think my likeability factor is significantly reduced at the moment.
For me the messenger behind the message is very important. I remember when Kobe Bryant got caught cheating and accused of rape. He was always one of my favorite players but now I just can’t support him. I will say this however, we tend to put people we admire on a pedestal and forget that they are human like the rest of us. They make mistakes and have poor judgment at times just like all of us do at times. And yet when they let us down we somehow seem surprised and shocked. It’s not the moments of indiscretion that trouble me it’s the continued behavior that causes me to lose faith. When I look at the people I like to interact with and can relate to they are all people who live the 4 points above to some extent.
If I can help someone find answers to live their dreams I will always lend a helping hand. The 4 points above are definitely things I try and do as I interact with people. I just try and always be myself, be helpful and supportive of everyone I interact with, be honest with them and myself and be kind and loving to all. Some days it’s more of a challenge than others but I keep looking for opportunities to be a blessing to others.
Nazima Ali
Thank you Liz. What great factors to cultivate. Kind of falls in line with the kind of friends you allow into your home. I’ve definitely had disappointments where a fave author or musician turned out to be inauthentic. I’m always thinking of whether I’m being fully authentic and practicing what I preach. One thing I’ve come to realize is that just because I draw the line at a certain (high)point in integrity and honesty doesn’t mean everyone else is at that same point. It’s a hard pill to swallow that everyone doesn’t operate at the same level.
JoyFull_deb
Teresa,
It takes a LOT of courage to stand in your “stuff” and admit your perceived (or real) shortcomings and your motives for doing so. YAY for you!! Maybe, we won't “like” you when you tell us all of that..LoL. However, IMHO, more people than not, after analyzing themselves with these 4 areas, would be standing right next to you,(me included) mumbling about how they only “thought” they were all that and a bag of chips! Does that make sense???
We are ALL on a journey of self discovery…and when we “check in” with ourselves daily, hourly or in the present moment, we become more aware of who we are and what we are sharing with others.
Concentrating on one area at a time and truly connecting with that part of you is tough stuff. We are all here to learn how to create “that irresistible presence”…we are getting more tools for our tool box. Yippeee!! And, I'm walking right beside you with “my stuff” and I think, wow, Teresa's got it all together. Then, you open up and show your vulnerabilities and I'm loving you even more….and it's a sacred experience for me to watch/listen/read everyone's posts. It's truly an honor to walk with all of you. Thanks for letting me blab on here :=) ((HUGS))
JoyFull_deb
Hi Liz…
Loved this post. Looking at the 4 areas…#3 would be the one I would most need to work on. I truly don't know what my message is…or could be!! I only have a few thoughts which are up in my head. I'm not working (paid), however, I do volunteer work which involves a taboo subject, suicide! So for me, it's getting the right message out there…not trying to be an expert…not letting my ego get involved and honoring my sister in all that I do.
Thank you for your comments and expertise.
Tami Morello
Wow, this post has brought up so many great points. The main issue I'm working on right now is figuring out exactly what my message is. It seems like that should be so basic, but I'm struggling with developing a coherent message to build my “irresistible presence” around. I think most people consider me to be likable, once they get to know me, but I'm probably not really attracting new people to me. It's a little hard to do that without being clear myself as to exactly what I'm trying to do. I've always had so many ideas, but the perfectionist side of me makes me afraid of picking the “wrong” ones to implement. I'm happy about the timing of this series because I've set this summer as my time to redefine my business and start a blog. I do know that when I have been “on point” in different arenas of my life in the past I've had success. Somewhere I got off track and have been slow to redefine what I'm doing. I know the presence and the message are there waiting for me to dig them out. So, I'm glad to have some company along the way!
http://www.sundaynightsuccess.com Jeremie
I am working on figuring out the right way to do this as well. I do the same as you Teresa: I am quiet for long periods of time, and then a few weeks before I think I need to be in contact I reach out, knowing that I have not been a good contact for these people.
My current experiment is, theoretically, to spend one day a week on my business instead of working in my business. Part of that day would be making sure I connect with others. I decided this two weeks ago and am currently batting 0 or 2. I am not being too hard on myself, I have had some major changes, and big opportunities lately, so I think I need some time to get into my business groove.
We can do it!
Jeremie
Anonymous
I’m in Europe and coming late to the party. (yay vaca!) I’ve loved all the comments here. I’m going to try to be brave as I write this. Why not.
1.I am a closeted Go-Giver. For most of my life my inner message to myself was that I was the one who was in need. Now I can see that that is just old programing. (Letting Go being one of my biggest challenges!) When I have reached someone through my writing I get that incredible sense of having something to offer. And I love it so much. To inspire. To get someone to think about growing in some way. LOVE. (I actually just wrote a post about this- on the blog tomorrow)
2. Likeability. Hmm. Well- my friends like me. Here’s the thing. I think I can be ….not sure what word to use here. I like to do things well. I’m a dancer. I’m graceful. I move forward in life. So, I’m big. Big in life and relentless in my desire to create joy for myself and others. I think this can be intimidating. I also work my ass off to get what I want. I often feel that when I’m being my ‘authentic’ self, it looks like I’m just showing off. And I hate that. Because on the one hand I feel that being true to myself and my message I have to NOT HOLD BACK. So I struggle a little bit with the balance of doing this…and at the same time …making my message RELATABLE. (SP?)
3. While I’m so far from perfect….I do think I live my message. My tagline (blog re-do coming soon! yay!) is Creating a Life Where All Things Are Possible.
4. Mistakes. Oh yeah. I think I can. I get a lot of practice. ))
Thank you, Liz! Thank you everyone for the great thoughts. I love this place, Sarah- you are genius at bringing great people together.

http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly
Closeted Go-giver? LOL You seem pretty giving to me. Can’t wait to read the post
I don’t think you’re showing off – I love watching the videos of you dancing – you ARE so graceful and look like you are thoroughly enjoying yourself.. AND you’re good so why not show that! AND you DO work your ass off to keep in shape and be/look/feel the way you are! I’m not a dancer so I may not ‘relate’ to your dance talk or feelings about how it feels when you dance – but I do relate to you as a person… a woman…
Love the new tag line

Anonymous
Thanks Shelly! It was actually kind of hard for me to write that. But really good. It brought me to my central dilemma. Some women seem to lead so effortlessly. I’m still a little stuck on wanting people to like me- and thinking I need that….so that it holds me back sometimes. Well- I know it doesn’t LOOK like I’m holding back….and actually I’m not. But there is still something I need to figure out to determine where I can best serve. I know it’s not from a ‘needy’ place. But from a Wow I’m Amazing and So Are You place. (I tweeted this morning that ‘I’m going to roll home’ and then right after I tweeted it I thought…..No one is going to like that. That is not going to win me any friends. !!! But gaining weight to me is the same as it is for anyone else. Are you catching my meaning?? Just my work to figure out now. Thank you so much for helping me!
Megan Matthieson
idanceiwrite.com

http://www.sundaynightsuccess.com Jeremie
Thanks Liz!
I have tried to force this process before and it has sent me in some strange directions.
Since I have switched to being patient and letting things develop more naturally it has been going much better.
My message is there, and I will continue to learn more about it. Until then I guess the world just gets me!
Jeremie
http://www.sundaynightsuccess.com Jeremie
Thank you for the kind words Teresa. I am glad I came here as well, and I am even more glad I finally started posting (I lurked for a long time).
Developing ideas, messages, and irresistible presence is going to be very fun and exciting with this group!
Jeremie
http://www.sundaynightsuccess.com Jeremie
One thing I learned as a teacher, both in my training, and in teaching teenagers for eight years is that almost any mistake, when turned into a learning experience loses the negative power of being a mistake.
When my students fail a test they fret over the mistake. When I sit down with them and help them figure out what went wrong, then give them a retest it becomes a learning experience. They think that what they have learned is the math they did on the test, but I think the real experience is helping them see that mistakes can lead to something more positive.
I think what I have learned is that we always assume that if we make a mistake around people that is our only chance, and they are lost to us. I think most people, at least those who are worth having in our lives are more willing to give us a “retest” than we think they are.
I am also wondering if we can shift our view from mistake to learning if our mistakes can then turn into conversation starters instead of conversation enders because of the shift from negative, bad feelings to positive feelings of finding out what happens next.
Now my mind is working in a new direction. Fabulous!
Jeremie
http://www.sundaynightsuccess.com Jeremie
Teresa, your comment about improving the messenger hits very close. You see, with the birth of my son almost three years ago I underwent a huge transformation in who I was, becoming a Dad opened my eyes to a mixed up “who I am” that I wasn't happy with.
I have almost always worked in helping professions, and when at work I was always a loving, caring, helping, and emotional person. However, in my personal life I was very sarcastic and pessimistic. I also had a huge, and I mean HUGE anger issue. It wasn't always there, but man could I fly off the handle. My message to those I worked with was there, but it wasn't being backed up so much by who I was.
I did not want my son to grow up with this person (I love my Dad, but he is this person) so I knew it was time for some change. I improved my messenger and matched it closer to my message by:
1. Doing a lot of self-reflection work through meditation (if you knew me three years ago you would choke on your drink knowing that I now meditate)
2. Realizing that the person I was at work was the person I really was, not the person I was in my personal life (a switch from normal I realize, but I “fit” so much better with myself now)
3. I answer this to most posts here so far but: surrounding myself with the right people who were willing to be there while I underwent the change and support the change.
I am so much happier with the person I have become/am becoming and shedding the mask I had put up around myself. The mask had its uses, as I mentioned in an earlier post, but it didn't fit the way I wanted it to, and now it is almost completely gone.
I know you will find your way, especially because you have already started to surround yourself with the right people here.
Jeremie
Mary Havlicek
“I think what I have learned is that we always assume that if we make a mistake around people that is our only chance, and they are lost to us. I think most people, at least those who are worth having in our lives are more willing to give us a “retest” than we think they are.”
Jeremie, this is so well-put. This is a lesson that I need to learn as well. I'm one of those that has tended to think that if I've screwed up, that's it, last chance killed off. Especially in the online world since people don't know me face-to-face. I'm thankful you put it into words – helps to know I'm not alone!
Please keep sharing your insights – I've loved reading your comments.
Mary Havlicek
I felt the same way when I was still at my job. The toughest part came when I learned I was pregnant – my boss kept asking about maternity leave and what my plans were. I had to tell him that I planned to take a few weeks – truth was, I planned to quit way before then, but couldn't tell him that!
The advice that helped me best was to remember the job is a means to an end. It's providing you with financial security while you get things up and running. And it's just a job, like Teresa said. It's not what defines you or makes you ultimately happy. Focus on what does and you'll find you're quitting a lot sooner than you think.
Mary Havlicek
The only thing I can tell you, Teresa, is you are not alone.
As I was reading the four points, I knew, too, that I have fallen short in the past. I've focused on what's going to help me rather than what I can do to help others. And unfortunately it's become enough of a habit that I've been working on breaking.
“But it's only by remembering that I'm really not all those things that I can then CHOOSE to practice and be them anyway. I WISH it was natural for me… but it's not. So I have to work at it and keep choosing in each moment and then practice and practice and practice.”
I think that is brilliant. I keep doing the same thing – reminding myself that I'm not really like that. It's a result of things that happened to me and it's time to go back to the person I was a few years ago, who would have been able to say she was all four of those points (even with some work still). And of course you'll have slip-ups – we all do! We're all human, which means none of us are perfect.
I also plan to blog about these things – put them out there. The more you confront it, the easier it is to release the power it has over you.
Thank you so much for sharing this. This is one reason I love this group – it helps me realize I'm not alone with my crap and there's a lot of support as I change.
Besa
I love this one. It's so deep. Isn't that what makes us who we are, the deep part of us? I am in love with these postings. I have moments often where I read, hear, meet, or see just what I need to see in my life at that particular time in my life. This posting is one of the few that I have had just today!
Many things have occured today that prove to me that the universe is showing me that it is always listening and responding to my deepest needs. I had my Gremlin talking to me A LOT the last 36 hours, and no sooner had I prayed and felt the sorrow of it when I got an email from a friend life coach that simply said, “do you want to connect today?” WOW!
In any case, Behind the Music was one of my favorite shows when I had that channel. I loved getting to know the musician, and in the same respect isn't about really getting to know myself? I think that's where truth lies, is in knowing ourselves. Thank you for listening. I can't wait for the next posting.
http://twitter.com/mckra1g mckra1g
You are all out of bubble gum. baby. (google it)
http://twitter.com/mckra1g mckra1g
So thankful.
LizMarshall
So glad you enjoyed the post, Tami!
Before heading to bed, I just wanted to encourage you by saying that it's a HUGE accomplishment to already BE the authentic and likeable messenger behind the message. The actual message itself will come over time – especially if you tap into your intuition and inner guidance and follow the threads that are already there. If you're a messenger, then there's a MESSAGE you're meant to deliver – it's just a matter of uncovering it
http://twitter.com/IAC_Heather Heather
I think it’s easier to just be yourself in all areas of life than to try to be someone you aren’t just for your business. In the end, who are you are is going to come out eventually.
http://www.mattkoenigphotography.com Matt
I read this post today on my iPhone at a rest area in Northern California after 11 hours trapped in a car with two hyperactive kids. I definitely think my likeability factor is significantly reduced at the moment.
For me the messenger behind the message is very important. I remember when Kobe Bryant got caught cheating and accused of rape. He was always one of my favorite players but now I just can't support him. I will say this however, we tend to put people we admire on a pedestal and forget that they are human like the rest of us. They make mistakes and have poor judgment at times just like all of us do at times. And yet when they let us down we somehow seem surprised and shocked. It's not the moments of indiscretion that trouble me it's the continued behavior that causes me to lose faith. When I look at the people I like to interact with and can relate to they are all people who live the 4 points above to some extent.
If I can help someone find answers to live their dreams I will always lend a helping hand. The 4 points above are definitely things I try and do as I interact with people. I just try and always be myself, be helpful and supportive of everyone I interact with, be honest with them and myself and be kind and loving to all. Some days it's more of a challenge than others but I keep looking for opportunities to be a blessing to others.
Nazima Ali
Thank you Liz. What great factors to cultivate. Kind of falls in line with the kind of friends you allow into your home. I've definitely had disappointments where a fave author or musician turned out to be inauthentic. I'm always thinking of whether I'm being fully authentic and practicing what I preach. One thing I've come to realize is that just because I draw the line at a certain (high)point in integrity and honesty doesn't mean everyone else is at that same point. It's a hard pill to swallow that everyone doesn't operate at the same level.
meganmatthieson
Brave!! That was wonderful. I don' t even know where to start w this…but your honesty is inspiring Teresa!
meganmatthieson
You ARE a go giver Shelly!!
meganmatthieson
I'm a Meg too. Megan actually. (oh. it says that. !!! idance_iwrite on Twit) I'm feeling for you right now. It's nearly impossible to do anything when you are not well. Let alone these soul-stretching exercises. I hope you get some releif soon.
meganmatthieson
I like smart asses and bitches too. I love when people are their true in the moment selves!!
meganmatthieson
mmm. So human. Can we all just relax a little with our mistakes? How wonderful.
meganmatthieson
I'm in Europe and coming late to the party. (yay vaca!) I've loved all the comments here. I'm going to try to be brave as I write this. Why not.
1.I am a closeted Go-Giver. For most of my life my inner message to myself was that I was the one who was in need. Now I can see that that is just old programing. (Letting Go being one of my biggest challenges!) When I have reached someone through my writing I get that incredible sense of having something to offer. And I love it so much. To inspire. To get someone to think about growing in some way. LOVE. (I actually just wrote a post about this- on the blog tomorrow)
2. Likeability. Hmm. Well- my friends like me. Here's the thing. I think I can be ….not sure what word to use here. I like to do things well. I'm a dancer. I'm graceful. I move forward in life. So, I'm big. Big in life and relentless in my desire to create joy for myself and others. I think this can be intimidating. I also work my ass off to get what I want. I often feel that when I'm being my 'authentic' self, it looks like I'm just showing off. And I hate that. Because on the one hand I feel that being true to myself and my message I have to NOT HOLD BACK. So I struggle a little bit with the balance of doing this…and at the same time …making my message RELATABLE. (SP?)
3. While I'm so far from perfect….I do think I live my message. My tagline (blog re-do coming soon! yay!) is Creating a Life Where All Things Are Possible.
4. Mistakes. Oh yeah. I think I can. I get a lot of practice. ))
Thank you, Liz! Thank you everyone for the great thoughts. I love this place, Sarah- you are genius at bringing great people together.
http://twitter.com/IAC_Heather Heather
I think it's easier to just be yourself in all areas of life than to try to be someone you aren't just for your business. In the end, who are you are is going to come out eventually.
StephanieCorum
I've been told to smile more. I never thought I was scowling (and maybe it's not an all out “scowl” but I must not have a happy look on my face.) Usually it's because I'm tired. It takes a lot of energy to be upbeat and outgoing when you really aren't!
http://twitter.com/mckra1g mckra1g
>”As for your points, I've always been a giver but have never been good at receiving. Something I'm working on!”
When we refuse to receive, we are depriving someone of the chance to give.
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
That is a lot of admissions and great insights. Suggestions? Here is mine… Remember you don't change anything over night.. I imagine most of your behaviors are habit – so my suggestion is to start small… start on the one thing that always pops into your head … “I want to stop doing _______ because I am not ______ I am_____” Then move to the next thing that pops in your head…
You know when someone asks you to do something or a question or says somethings or does something to you and you have that first initial reaction? Then you cover that up and do or say something else?? Well try going with that initial reaction …. just some thoughts! xoxo
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
Closeted Go-giver? LOL You seem pretty giving to me. Can't wait to read the post
I don't think you're showing off – I love watching the videos of you dancing – you ARE so graceful and look like you are thoroughly enjoying yourself.. AND you're good so why not show that! AND you DO work your ass off to keep in shape and be/look/feel the way you are! I'm not a dancer so I may not 'relate' to your dance talk or feelings about how it feels when you dance – but I do relate to you as a person… a woman…
Love the new tag line
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
Hope you feel better soon! Definitely be more worried about being sick than writing a post! – or write a short post that says you're sick (if you have readers that expect something from you regularly)
meganmatthieson
Thanks Shelly! It was actually kind of hard for me to write that. But really good. It brought me to my central dilemma. Some women seem to lead so effortlessly. I'm still a little stuck on wanting people to like me- and thinking I need that….so that it holds me back sometimes. Well- I know it doesn't LOOK like I'm holding back….and actually I'm not. But there is still something I need to figure out to determine where I can best serve. I know it's not from a 'needy' place. But from a Wow I'm Amazing and So Are You place. (I tweeted this morning that 'I'm going to roll home' and then right after I tweeted it I thought…..No one is going to like that. That is not going to win me any friends. !!! But gaining weight to me is the same as it is for anyone else. Are you catching my meaning?? Just my work to figure out now. Thank you so much for helping me!
Megan Matthieson
idanceiwrite.com
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
Maybe we can all help you find your message!
Suicide is a taboo subject? I guess I can 'kind of' see that… but it is something that needs to be discussed/dissuaded and helped!! So YAY for you for volunteering! (I could honestly write a 10 page diatribe on this subject – but won't!)
http://www.randomshelly.com Shelly
I googled it! Duke Nukem?? IF so.. like that
http://twitter.com/mckra1g mckra1g
Kee-rect!
lorilatimer
Maybe fraud was the wrong word. It just feels fake. But you're right – it's just a job and pays the bills right now
lorilatimer
You hit it right on – I feel out of integrity when I'm there. But you're also right that I give them my all when I'm there (and even quite a bit when I'm not because I'll often answer client's emails at night and on weekends).
I just need to ignore the mind chatter. The good news is that I'm usually so busy there that I don't have time to listen to the mind chatter very often!
lorilatimer
LOL – I did the same thing when I was pregnant with my oldest son!
You're right – the job pays the bills and that's all at this point. I often “dream” about giving my notice
lorilatimer
You're so right! I've tried to remember that more often. It's silly, because it makes me so happy to give to someone else, so why would I think it wouldn't do the same to let someone else give to me?
Thanks for the reminder!
joecheray
Lori your insights on Thursday nights with the MOMeo chats are appreciated. So is your regular presence. I have gained so much in the time that I have been actively involved in Twitter. It has opened up more possibilities than I could have had say two years ago before I started using it. It has been a pleasure getting to know you as well.
joecheray
That reminds me of a time when I broiled a cake instead of baking it. My aunt calmly took me to the oven and showed me my error. Then she told me we could try it again. Now I have a good laugh at my oops.
We thought it looked so pretty lol nice and golden on top until we went to test to see if it was done all the way through. Oi lol. That was the biggest cooking oops I made growing up.
http://www.moreyourself.com Gail Blesch
Well said.
I only chanced upon this party today and have read all three posts and attached comment streams in one sitting. It has given me the bird's eye view. What strikes me is similar to what you have said.
Once we give ourselves permission to operate from the inside out, we cease to shrink to fit. We stop staring at our feet and lamenting what might be wrong with them and instead we seek out better shoes that give us room to wiggle our toes and stand tall in our own power. We walk straighter and our step is more true. In fact we stop needing to remember the rules around how to be liked, or be authentic, or be heard, because when we come into our fullness, people notice. It is magnetic. It resonates with the part inside everyone that recognizes a soul in alignment. And that is when great things happen.
So for all of you here, take a minute and check where you are trying to fit in, and are struggling to keep up, match up, and generally be enough, and instead check the game you are playing, the role you are filling, the shoes you are wearing and see if they are honestly a good fit for you. Stop worrying if you are a good fit for whatever the trend of the day is.
If you watch those who succeed over the long-haul, you'll see they set the trends rather than follow them simply because they aren't interested in trends. They are interested in doing their own thing. That is what is so attractive about them. That is what will be so attractive about all of you!!!
Here's to all you fellow hooligans being more and more yourself with each choice, word and deed! Can't wait to see what you have in store, given all the genius tucked within you.
xoxo
http://twitter.com/DooneyPug Lori Finnigan
Hi Liz
Thanks for a wonderful post! I don’t even know what my message is, and I’m okay with that right now. I don’t have my own business at this time but feel it is something I would greatly like. Can I be an awesome coach like you and Sarah and these other wonderful people? Don’t know, and I’m not even sure that’s what I want to do. What I do know is that I have marketable skills and would love to work for myself.
Having said that, I now have 2 books I need to read and 4 ideas/goals to work towards.
Thanks for sharing!
http://twitter.com/DooneyPug Lori Finnigan
Jeremie
This is a great post. You sure have alot of enthusiasm and good insights into life, and I think you are in-tune with your business much more than for which you give yourself credit. Sending good thoughts and positive hugs your way. Not a chance you won't be successful! No way!
Lucky me to have met you.
http://twitter.com/DooneyPug Lori Finnigan
Liz
I like the “silent witness” statement. Trust, only 5 letters but such a BIG word. Why is it so hard to trust ourselves?
http://twitter.com/DooneyPug Lori Finnigan
Hi Liz
Thanks for a wonderful post! I don't even know what my message is, and I'm okay with that right now. I don't have my own business at this time but feel it is something I would greatly like. Can I be an awesome coach like you and Sarah and these other wonderful people? Don't know, and I'm not even sure that's what I want to do. What I do know is that I have marketable skills and would love to work for myself.
Having said that, I now have 2 books I need to read and 4 ideas/goals to work towards.
Thanks for sharing!
http://www.lisarobbinyoung.com Lisa Robbin Young
This is a powerful way to reflect on the unintentional impact you are making in the world. If we were all a little more aware of what (and why) we’re doing what we’re doing, the results would be dramatic.
http://www.lisarobbinyoung.com Lisa Robbin Young
This is a powerful way to reflect on the unintentional impact you are making in the world. If we were all a little more aware of what (and why) we're doing what we're doing, the results would be dramatic.

Escaping Mediocrity