I have been chewing on this post for over a week – which is probably best. If I’d written it earlier, I would have spewed all over the page. Hopefully, today, with a little distance, I will be much more grown up about the matter.
My six year old son, affectionately known as The Young Turk on Twitter, has his own way of viewing the world. And he has a very strong personality (I have no idea where he gets it). He describes the pictures he sees in the clouds, he expresses his opinions, he asks for what he wants. And when his emotions get the better of him – he expresses those too.
As I often say – “He is is own self.”
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Is it tiring? Of course. Does he push me beyond my limits? Absolutely. Do I wish he were different? Never.
The grown-ups who “get” him see that he is a leader waiting for his troops to form. One teacher told me that his powers of observation far exceed his age. Another asked me to keep encouraging his story-telling abilities (at six he tells stories with a beginning, a middle and an end).
I don’t share this to brag. These are the UNcommon grownups in his world. The rare ones who take the time to actually “see” him.
More often, the grownups are always asking him to “behave like the other children”, forcing him to comply with rules they never explain, or overlooking his gifts and only seeing the fire his big personality draws.
Don’t misunderstand me. I am well aware that there must be rules and order with a group of six year olds – and we haves house rules here to keep things somewhat predictable and safe for all involved.
But as a friend of mine often asks “Which is more important, enforcing the rule or loving the child?”
I am ashamed to admit that there was a time when I erred on the side of trying to force him to be someone he isn’t. Believe me, when other adults start the lectures on my parenting, I am just insecure enough about my abilities in that arena to totally cave-in.
And I regret it.
I regret trying to shrink his personality. I regret not seeing that arbitrary rules ARE unfair. I regret overlooking him for the sake of fitting in.
Not any more.
I’ve finally blown a gasket. I can’t stop other people from telling me how to raise my child. (Why do people think they are free to offer up that kind of unsolicited commentary?) But I can absolutely change my response. Wanna hear it?
“Excuse me. I’m not raising a sheep.”
Waddaya think?!
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May 5th, 2009 at 9:07 am
The only healthy & sane response!
More power to you… & him.
With love to you… Sharon
May 5th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Good for you. We don’t live in a society that tries to create robots, no matter what people say. The Wall is not real life.
Within reason, let the Turk be the Turk. He will never have another chance at his formative years. If he’s not hurting himself or someone else, let him be. He will learn much more if you let him experience things rather than just telling him about them. Let him win, let him lose, let him fall on his face, let him make it up that hill on his bike, whatever.
You cannot control other people and how they will ask him to act, however you can make sure he knows that in certain situations you need to listen to an outside influence…but only while you are under said influence. What flies or does not fly inside your sphere of influence is what will turn him into who he is, not what other people are asking him to do.
May 5th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Bravo is what I think. My youngest, now 13, sounds like your son. For the most part, we’ve had great teachers who understood him. In fact, his 2nd and 3rd grade teacher (same teacher taught both years) actually told me at a conference that she was so pleased with his creativity in writing stories that she was holding back on correcting punctuation, spelling, etc., and she didn’t want me to be alarmed. Her thought was that he had lots of years ahead to learn the technicalities, but she didn’t want to stifle the creativity. I still love her for that.
For the record–in 7th grade now, he is a very good speller with a strong grasp of punctuation.
May 5th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Albert Einstein would often explain that he came up with his theories by never subscribing to the standard “group think”. He refused to be a sheep, refused to herd with the rest, and was said to be a bit of a handful in school because of it. Can you name one of his better-behaved, herd-minded classmates? Neither can I.
May 5th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I think it’s wildly inappropriate to try to tell someone else how to raise her kids. There’s also no percentage in it – the only way to be a good parent, IMO, is to be committed to facilitating the growth of one’s children into happy, productive, independent, adult members of society and then as a parent to do what feels right, in accordance with that goal, at every juncture. Children do have to learn to interact effectively with other people, but it’s completely possible to teach them how to do that without shrinking their personalities. Modeling considerate, tolerant, compassionate behavior is the lesson that works – something the “conformism above all” folks would do well to keep in mind.
May 5th, 2009 at 11:03 am
I am so with you on this. My 7 year old daughter, in the last few weeks, convinced one of her friends and his parents that she was home schooled and got to play Wii during recess, convinced a friends mother that she has 5 brothers and sisters (with lots of corroborating details) and has to share everything (poor dear has nothing of her own), told everyone she was born in Chicago (nope – Florida, never been to Chicago), and talked her elementary school teachers and staff into the notion that she was a car rider when she was supposed to be going home on the bus (I was out of town and a friend was waiting at my house for her). This is also the kid that refuses to “tell” you what a story is about when you point blank ask her but will bring it up in conversation relating to other things in her own sweet time. And the kid who wears the really bizarre outfits (multi colored, multi patterned usually with knee socks). And the kid who parses every sentence and analyzes all and yes, driving me up a wall most of the time. But, I have to laugh and hand it to her. She doesn’t follow the crowd and is her own person. She’s polite, well mannered, cooperative (most of the time), smart, healthy, and good to animals and her friends. I see these strong personality kids as the ones who will make a difference as teens and adults – and I’m not going to squash anything now to make her “fit in”. Spot on.
May 5th, 2009 at 11:25 am
May I say, I agree with you and admire your passionate and thoughtful stance on the topic.
And from that place I ask this:
How can that approach translate to classroom integration? When the fire is hard to contain at home, or in small group settings that is intensified in a classroom setting where the boy becomes one of 18-22 other children who are all expected to be given a positive productive learning environment.
If you suggest rules for the sake of rules are unnecessary that is different from allowing some children more leeway than others when it comes to following expectations.
\
I really do look forward to your thoughts on this. It’s something I struggle with myself in traditional learning environments.
May 5th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Totally agree with you – keep up the passion. You are absolutely doing the right thing! Our ‘kids’ are 38, 35 and 30. All those years ago we were getting the same feedback from the other adults who didn’t get it as you say. All three are now independent, doing widely different things as paramedic, musician and real estate sales! We all see each other at least once or twice a week and we all get on. 2 grandchildren at 16 and 11 following the same ‘independence’ pattern. Don’t let the old ‘fuddy-duddies’ grind you down. Don’t kill your son’s creativity – he’ll love you for it – and love himself too!
All the best
Ken
May 5th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I’m gonna officially call you mother of the year. I think what your doin is best. I see it all the time, parent “change” their kids to “conform” to stereotypes.
May 5th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
what do I think? I think you’re awesome! wish you were my Mum! way to go
p.s I do love Shaun the sheep though, and he ain’t a sheep either
May 5th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Hi. I found this through a post from LollyDaskal on Twitter.
I had an uncle who used to give everyone advice on how to raise children. He always had something to say, some hint, comment, or suggestion for making the child listen, behave, etc. Someone finally said, “but you don’t have kids of your own.” His response: “But I have dogs. Same thing.” Those who give out advice shamelessly may not be the one’s who should be giving advice. Thanks for the story!
May 6th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Good for you, Sarah! These are the children who will grow up to run the world one day. Most people don’t take the time to listen to kids and really hear what they are saying. We just returned from taking care of our two year old granddaughter while her baby brother was being born. She is the same way. She has definite opinions and ideas but she is a good little girl with smart parents.
May 7th, 2009 at 9:10 am
I have one of those kids as well
) shouting eyepatch wearing ROUND peg into a square hole.
And I think G-D daily that I ended up an older mom (she’s an only, 3, and Im 40) as Im certain in my 20s I would have spent far too long trying to shove her lovely amazing feisty ARRRGH SHUTTER THE TEETERS (arrrgh shiver me timbers
I adore your response.
For us I think people glance at my full on DR SEUSS tattoo’d leg and think “apple. not. far. from. tree.”
youre such an inspiration for me.
Carla
May 8th, 2009 at 9:47 am
I stumbled upon this site through a few twitter hops.
Most of our society and the public school system are geared towards raising sheep. Congratulations to you for publicly fighting back! I send my girls to a small private school precisely because I don’t want their spirits killed by conforming to what the public schools want them to be.
My sister, who just had a baby, brought by a copy of “The Teenage Liberation Handbook” on a recent visit. I really think this book’s title should replace the word “teenage” with “children’s”, because often times, by the time a child is a teenager, their spirits and love for learning have already been broken. This book should be required reading for all parents and parents to be.
http://www.amazon.com/Teenage-Liberation-Handbook-School-Education/dp/0962959170
May 13th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Wow. I can totally relate. I have a similarly intense but wonderful 6 year old. And like you, I tried for a long time to curb him to be more like other kids his age. But once I accepted that forcing my square peg into that round hole was not only a tremendous disservice, but impossible
things improved dramatically. None of us want to raise lemmings. But for some reason, we parent kids in a way that discourages difference and intensity– two skills that will serve kids well as adults. Great post. Just started following you on Twitter, too 