When I was young, I knew what the truth was. I had really good instincts. But somewhere (early) along the way, I stopped trusting them.
Why?
Because grown-ups kept telling me that what I knew to be true wasn’t true. Or that my feelings were wrong or bad and really needed to be different. And, because I assumed grown-ups knew more than I did, I let them be right.
Here’s an example of what I mean: when I was young, my parents had a VERY strained relationship. They slept in separate rooms. Arguments and/or stony silence were the norm. And yet, to the outside world, we presented an over-the-top normalcy. I learned early to lie about even the smallest of things so that that the “happy family” picture could be maintained.
But I KNEW it wasn’t true. To my very core, I knew that families did not act the way ours did behind closed doors. When I was at my friends’ houses, the energy was just so very different. I never really wanted to invite friends to my house because I knew I would have to answer impossible questions.
In order to stay sane (and my sanity was quite short-lived but that’s another story), I stopped trusting myself. I let 
myself get into all kinds of bad situations because I cut off access to that part of me that could sense danger or even mild discomfort. And this disconnectedness lasted until I was at least 30 years old.
Fast forward to now. I am watching my seven-year-old son (who is an empath like me) struggle to make sense of a world that tells him that what he knows and what he feels are simply not accurate. He “shouldn’t” feel angry when a younger child snatches his favorite toy. He “shouldn’t” get impatient when he can finish his worksheets faster than anyone else. He “shouldn’t” try to explain when he’s been falsely accused of misbehaving.
And he isn’t the only one.
I watch children. A lot. And what I see is SO alarming. Either all of their feelings and whims are over- indulged (which does not lead to learning accuracy) or their feelings and whims are shut down without any attempt to understand them. Only the most tenacious children (read The Young Turk) have to energy to persist and insist that they have a right to express whatever is going on. Most of them realize it is just easier to shut down that side of themselves and maintain the status quo.
Is it any wonder we now have SO much difficulty being real? Or even knowing what our “real” is? Where do we learn how to do that? Who shows us the way? Who gets rewarded – those who maintain the status quo or those who stand up and say”THIS is who I am. THIS is what I know is true. THIS is what I am no longer willing to settle for.”
(And I know it’s easy to say that those who stand up get rewarded, but let me tell you – they also get endless missiles, potshots and shit thrown at them too – and that is hard to take.)
If we can’t teach our children to trust their instincts and what they know to be true, how on earth are they, or even we for that matter, every going to learn how to escape mediocrity. Or better yet, not settle for it in the first place.
As always, I am intensely interested in what you have to say. 
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December 2nd, 2009 at 11:50 am
You know stands out for me? Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a teacher. I was told by well meaning parents and other folks that being a teacher wasn't going to bring me much money or success and that corporate was the way to go. So I got me an MBA instead. The first day of my first job ever, I said “5 years in corporate and then I'm out” I lasted 4 (and that's spread across 2 countries and about 6 jobs!).
Here's the thing though, I knew right back when I chose to study Economics (cos it was a prestigious course to do) over English Honours (which was what I really wanted to do), that it was the wrong path for me but I toed the line IN CASE they were right and I was wrong. The fear of regretting a choice later on in life and having people say “I told you so” was stronger than anything else.
Wonder how my life would have turned out if someone had said to me “pick the course you REALLY want to do, and you'll be more successful than you can ever imagine AND be happy too!” or how about “there are no wrong decisions, just choices and experiences and you can always change your mind if you don't want to do something anymore”
Freedom. Self belief. Confidence. Empowerment. They would all have been mine. Luckily, I found my way to all of this pretty quickly myself, but just THINK if I'd gotten here 10 years ago
. All that matters now is that I am, and that I can inspire people around me to quit wasting time and follow their passion. Thanks for an excellent post Sarah. I love the look of your site, btw. Gorgeous and unique!
Tia @TiaSparkles
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Great post and I couldn't agree more!! I was raised in a similar situation so I understand completely. Finally now in my 30's I'm truly coming into my own and showing the world the person I always knew I was inside. I'm also excited to be discovering parts of myself that I never knew because I didn't trust myself enough to listen.
Changing this for my own kids is something I feel strongly about as well. I want them to know who they are and to always feel comfortable being themselves! Authenticity is the #1 thing I try to teach my kids!!
Thanks for sharing your story!
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Agree with you that children are so much smarter and truer than we adults are, but reality is to live in this adult world, sometimes we need to play by adult rules. Allowing your children to be themselves is a beautiful thing though as long as their reactions to another kid taking away their toy don't escalate into obnoxious behavior. I think a lot of parents in this country confuse education and politeness with allowing your children to be free and have a personality of their own, these things are entirely different. If they learn it's ok to hit their friend as a young child to fight for a toy, they'll be doing that later as teenagers fighting over a girlfriend, and as adults as well, then we wonder why we see girls beating each other up on YouTube these days. So it may just be ok to tell them not to hit their friends after all we all have instincts but we do need to learn how to control them otherwise we'll all be acting like out of control.
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Thanks Tia! Yes – it is interesting to think back to the times when we just “knew” the right thing to do and did something else because someone else said to. And I am thrilled that you are now where you “know” you are supposed to be and helping others trust their instincts. YAY!
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
You know Rachel, I've started to think of listening to my instincts as something akin to peeling an onion. I peel away a layer and find something new. Then I peel away another layer and find another something new. Kind of exciting really.
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Wow – if I gave the impression in my post that I think feeling upset and hitting are the same thing, I am so sorry. Hitting is never ok under any circumstances. But I think expressing anger and frustration and upset is absolutely ok. And having nice manners is what keeps us able to stand each other.
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Forgot to mention that after all those years, I've come full circle as a kinda, sorta “teacher”. Life Coaching is NOT teaching but in a way it kinda, sorta is cos people learn by being inspired
. My kid self was onto something! Is it any wonder that as coaches, we get our clients to look into their childhood memories and remember what they were happiest doing? What if we got those kids to keep on keeping on at that? I am SO excited to see tons of parents like you doing just that these days. Our world is changing in inspiring ways! Yay!
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:44 pm
You know, coachtia, I think a lot of us who wanted to be teachers as children didn't recognize that there were so many other things out there LIKE teaching. We went to school all week and saw our teachers up there leading our classmates through a learning process, opening minds to new things, and we thought “Hey, that's what I want to do when I grow up.” As children, our instincts are amazing; but we just can't possibly have the knowledge to understand what those instincts mean. We can listen to those who are older than us for guidance, but ultimately, we really need to experience life for ourselves to figure things out. It's because you had the experiences you've had that you can appreciate where you are now. Had you gone straight through college, graduated, and taught English at a high school somewhere, you would likely have found a way out of that as well… to coaching, just via a different path.
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:01 pm
It's all so true, S. We and in turn our kids are always worried about how we “should” act or “should” feel — can't we just be real?
This is my take and it may be off base but here goes: It seems we make everyone into a round peg for a round hole only so we can then spend the rest of our lives making ourselves square again.
Square is just fine. And those who truly love us love us no matter how square we are.
Love you, Alli
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:49 pm
square, purple, pink and yellow polka dots. It's all good. And it is much easier to be brave enough to be that when you have BFFs that love you no matter how you show up.
December 2nd, 2009 at 4:43 pm
You are so right Monica! After I wrote that post, I thought “but then, I wouldn't have had all the experiences I've had so far – changing jobs every 9 months, living in 4 countries, taking 4 years off in a 10 year working career etc” – I would have had other experiences, but I wldn't change the ones I had for anything in the world
Glad to say, it all worked out perfectly, and continues to do so. Thanks for pointing that out my friend x
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Such an insightful post, Sarah. It's taken me many years to settle into my truth, and into living fully who I am. I've always had big energy. I'm from New York. And in early adulthood, I moved to Atlanta. Not the international city of today, but 1978 Atlanta–just a big town in Georgia at the time.
I was “too” everything. Too fast, too blunt, too direct, too truthful. And I was “not enough” of other things- graciousness, “leisure-paced-ness,” southern manner-ly-ness (heck, I was from NY for God's sakes!). And I was in a Fortune 100 company as a Human Resources Manager, being a bad fit for 1978 southern culture.
Luckily, through a lot of introspection and spiritual growth, somewhere along the way I learned that I didn't have to 'fit in.” Somewhere along the way, I learned to honor who I am at the core of my being. Somewhere along the way, I learned to be exactly who I am, to stand in my truth, and to share it with others.
That's where the “Feisty Woman” brand came from. From living in the truth, owning who I am, and sharing it passionately with those who resonate with it.
There's a lot to be said for being real–for knowing the truth, owning the truth, speaking the truth, and living the truth. I try to move closer to it every day. And some days are better than others. : )
December 3rd, 2009 at 9:37 am
I love that the two of you are connecting and talking to each other here. You ROCK!
December 3rd, 2009 at 9:38 am
The lessons you are learning and sharing are amazing Ava. Thank you for enriching the conversation here.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
If we encourage truth, no matter how painful, reality, no matter how absurd – we might all function without this false sense of living. The quirkiness of our lives make us and our situations unique – there is nothing whacky about that.
Such a great post, thank you for sharing ~
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
So very true!! I couldn't tell you today who the real “me” is … and I so want to find her, but I spent way too long trying to present myself the way others wanted me to be. Slowly, she will emerge, but I have a feeling I might lose some “friends” along the way.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I love that you get the whole whacky thing.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Yes – you may. But guess what? You'll make new, better, and real-er friends – and they will be priceless.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Sarah, this is just beautiful; thank you. Your son is so lucky. I remember learning to second-guess myself . . . a roving-handed uncle who “wasn't” . . . an ex-husband who threw things at me but “didn't” . . . I had to actually make an affirmative decision to stop and listen to myself again, to learn to tap back into my unfailing instincts and trust myself again . . . like healing a frightened animal. When faced with a decision – no matter how small – I'd always take a veritable census. Now, the first person I ask “what do you think” is me. Whew.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:42 pm
WOW. What a brave comment. And yes – it take a long time to coax our instincts out from hiding. And here's the thing. Sometimes the will still be wrong. But I'd rather trust my own instincts and be wrong than believe someone else's version of the truth. Thank you for your wise thoughts.
December 4th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Each and every day, schools turn more and more into robot factories. Individuality and the differences between people used to be CELEBRATED, and now its shunned, and in extreme cases, against the rules. If you aren't allowed to be yourself and find yourself, who are you and who's life are you living?
Its not just schools anymore either – its workplaces of all kinds too. Do this, don't do that, don't question this, and so on.
December 4th, 2009 at 8:55 am
One of the top goals of my daily life is to make sure that the sweet, optimistic, magical, creative, intuitive, loving parts of my daughter don't get programmed out of her. By the world, by other people in her life, by me.
And that's been a really interesting part of living my truth … while I sit here and write about doing crazy sh*t … and then when I was in San Diego, found myself telling my daughter to get off the wall, don't touch that rock, avoid the puddle. Well, why? wtf? Is it the truth, living this way, just when I'm not being a mom? Or … is that when it is *most important* … ?
So we walked through the puddles. And next time, I'm totally going to splash.
December 4th, 2009 at 10:17 am
One thing my dad gave me (he gave me a lot) was a quest for the truth. My dad was a con man. And he was a living example for me of the power of truth-telling. When I was a teenager, I was a big liar. And I got busted for it again and again and kept getting into trouble. My dad followed through on the consequences of each of the punishments I received. He never let me get away with it.
Repeatedly, he told me he believed in me. And I saw that the reason he was a con man is because he had not been raised right. He was so smart and talented and he didn't know how to use his gifts and talents to make a difference in the world because at his core he didn't trust himself. That came from the way he was raised and he committed to himself to raise me exactly the opposite.
Many people would look at my dad's life and say he was a failure (alcohol, drug addict, con man, died at 58 from lung cancer and anger towards his parents), but in my eyes he was a huge success because despite all of that he raised me and my sister with an immense amount of love to be two of the most amazing, authentic, honest, real, integral people I've ever met.
December 4th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Each and every day, schools turn more and more into robot factories. Individuality and the differences between people used to be CELEBRATED, and now its shunned, and in extreme cases, against the rules. If you aren't allowed to be yourself and find yourself, who are you and who's life are you living?
Its not just schools anymore either – its workplaces of all kinds too. Do this, don't do that, don't question this, and so on.
ETA: Its amazing also how places of education and employment want your past transgressions to follow you along. In real life, you make a little mistake, or forget something, and you fix it/apologize and move on. But no, its on a paper somewhere that one time you forgot to do something little, and it follows you like you punched out the principal or shot your boss or something.
December 4th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
One of the top goals of my daily life is to make sure that the sweet, optimistic, magical, creative, intuitive, loving parts of my daughter don't get programmed out of her. By the world, by other people in her life, by me.
And that's been a really interesting part of living my truth … while I sit here and write about doing crazy sh*t … and then when I was in San Diego, found myself telling my daughter to get off the wall, don't touch that rock, avoid the puddle. Well, why? wtf? Is it the truth, living this way, just when I'm not being a mom? Or … is that when it is *most important* … ?
So we walked through the puddles. And next time, I'm totally going to splash.
December 4th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
One thing my dad gave me (he gave me a lot) was a quest for the truth. My dad was a con man. And he was a living example for me of the power of truth-telling. When I was a teenager, I was a big liar. And I got busted for it again and again and kept getting into trouble. My dad followed through on the consequences of each of the punishments I received. He never let me get away with it.
Repeatedly, he told me he believed in me. And I saw that the reason he was a con man is because he had not been raised right. He was so smart and talented and he didn't know how to use his gifts and talents to make a difference in the world because at his core he didn't trust himself. That came from the way he was raised and he committed to himself to raise me exactly the opposite.
Many people would look at my dad's life and say he was a failure (alcohol, drug addict, con man, died at 58 from lung cancer and anger towards his parents), but in my eyes he was a huge success because despite all of that he raised me and my sister with an immense amount of love to be two of the most amazing, authentic, honest, real, integral people I've ever met.
April 17th, 2010 at 7:01 pm
This is such a great post. Your dad wanted more for you than he could have for himself
April 20th, 2010 at 6:21 pm
This hits home, especially as I have 7 kids of my own and I watch this happening to them in their world outside our home every day.
April 20th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
I didn't have my flash of light till I was 35-ish. I went to my first Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting. I sat there and cried thru the entire meeting because I learned that I am NOT crazy! Other people did not have families that did the crazy, weird sh*t my family did. Like parents being drunk most of the time they weren't at work. Like my mom leaving my dad on my 18th birthday. For a girl a year younger than me (mom was a teacher(!)). Whose brother my sister married. And nobody (but me) seemed to thing that there was anything wrong with this.
I think I “get” crazy.
And I love that my “problem” is that I'm an empath. . .
April 20th, 2010 at 9:52 pm
One of the problems I see out there is that a lot of people are socially retarded. Gone are consequences to your actions. So people can act out in self involved ways. So is it that we have learn to supress are instincts or simply have never been taugh to respect others around us.